Herd Immunity for Software Product Bugs and Craving for Salaries

Preparation H

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, suggested today in our Core Team Management Meaning conducted by Zoom, that the corona virus presents an opportunity to develop herd immunity for clients which have purchased “products with certain childhood illnesses, like the common cold”.

CEO Stan, whose ranting wife could be heard in the background because Stan had urinated without putting up the toilet seat, asked Carl “what the fuck do you mean, Comrade Carl”?

The comrade presented us with warm data, big data and mid-sized data. “If 32% of our clients use our software without complaining, than the rest of the market will develop herd immunity and thus, many of our bugs will be re-positioned as strategic assets”. 
Comrade Carl added, “I have a Russian friend who can plan and execute  this entire process; in the past, he worked a Deception Engineer for the Russian Ministry of Railway and Bridges.”

CEO Stan texted me, asking me if Carl’s medications are balanced. I replied to the affirmative, emphasizing that Xanax has been added to “balance the Comrades’ mood swings”. Stan told me to “switch his shrink, for Christs’ sake; Carl is as nutty as a fruit cake”.

Comrade Carl continued. “Herd immunity is a strategic asset for firms with cutting edge software. That’s clear for anyone with half a brain.” Stan retorted, “Carl, treat your colleagues with respect, or I’ll deport you to Russia. Behave”.

Stan stole the term “behave” from me, but I won’t quibble.

After the meeting, Stan called me on Whatsapp. A huge jar of Preparation H was open on a table next to his chair, and he appeared uncomfortable sitting down.  “Gloria, develop a plan for herd immunity to the need for salaries. Pronto. Shake a leg”.

Stan also stole the expression “shake a leg” from me.

I shall shake a leg

Aligning vendor payments with the present situation, in a mutually beneficial manner

To our mutual benefit, 

To: Ms Donna Perk-McDonald-Perk-Perk

From: Prof Dr Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, PhD.

RE-Realignment of our contract in the corona era

Ms Perk-etc,

First of all, I wish to thank you for the wonderful ideas that you have suggested to make our company more attractive, especially the intrinsic motivation module, as well as the egg-freezing plan for working ladies. Chapeau, which is the French word for hat.

As you may remember, your firm was retained for pro bono  consulting (which  means free) in order to provide you with exposure to the first lady of HR. I am sure you built a hefty business based on my reputation. Nevertheless I am not sorry that I retain you in my service. Mais non.

I have decided to realign our HR business model to factor in all the flux in our business environment. As a result, whilst I agree to maintain your services as our Perks Consultant category three, I have decided to level a service charge of 4 pounds, 3 and 2 per week, payable in UK currency, or US dollars, whichever is better valued. In order to make this user friendly, we will bill you one year in advance.

I am sure that we will continue to cooperate to our mutual benefit.

Enclosed please find my invoice.

At ease,

Gloria

Keeping abreast of the at-home-worker during the so-called corona virus shutdown

 

Keeping abreast

I may have mentioned that all our nerds are working from home, whether in apartments, tents or low-end public housing.

In the “ancien” way of doing things, I would wander around, or slum around R&D cubicles to sense the environment, gossip and get the “drift” of things. Sadly, this face to face, in your face, HR is not presently applicable. I don’t want to catch this "so called virus" and pass it to my 144 year old Mum.

This having been said, I developed a easily deploy-able tool to access the pulse of the organization; this tool allows me to send CEO Stan a daily bulletin full of warm and cold, big and mid-size data, which he calls, “The National News, read by Gloria Ramsbottom”. 

Stan leaves out my last name, Lemieux, which he cannot pronounce nor spell.

The tool is a short multiple choice questionnaire, and in the spirit of pretending to be kind during this so called virus or epidemic, I shall share this agile questionnaire.

1     Since I’ve started working from home, I admire our management even more

A-Agree

B-Mais oui

C-Ja

 2   The person that I most respect in our senior management team, besides CEO Stan is

A-Cost-cutting Mister Herr Krebbs, the CFO

B) Comrade Carl Marks

C-The right honourable Dr Professor Gloria Ramsbottom

 3    The best to describe our company is

A-Humane and compassionate

B-Humane and compassionate

C-A and B

 4     If need be,

A-I agree to discretionary effort

 5     Miss Cynthia Axe, our chief downsizer is

   A-Cutting Edge

   B- A worthy lackey 

   C-Useful white trash

Gloria and Ms Axe

Gloria Ramsbottom Insurance Policy for the working man, and woman

Supplementary income

Whilst I have maintained my valet parking, business class travel on Cathy Pacific and my footman, it appears that my success bonus will be delayed due to the so-called corona virus. As a matter of fact, no one except our CEO Stan will pocket his (or her) success bonus.

Recently, I checked my bank book only to discover that my situation is wow. Not wow wow wow, just wow. This was pleasant yet unsettling.

In order to bridge the gap between a wow and a triple wow financial standing, I have developed an insurance policy for the working nerd and/or academic and man and/or woman. 

The policy insures you-folks as follows-

1) For fifty dollars a month, you will be insured against getting your job back after the shutdown. If you happen to get your job back, we refund your monthly payments with a $500 bonus. $ refers to American dollars.

2) For $100 a month, you will insured against getting your benefits and wellness perks back. If you happen to get your benefits back, we refund your monthly premium with a $10,000 bonus.

3) And now, my premium item. We will insure you against the chance of re-gaining a work life balance for the next decade. If you manage to get a job and work less than 14 hours a day and/or night, we will pay for a one week trip to Sweden, where you can eat, drink and be merry.

Monthly premium is $30, and of course, I am referring to American dollars.

Interested in this global, agile policy? Just contact me by leaving a message below.

Has Diversity has lost all it value due to Corona

Shake a leg, Gloria

CEO Stan called me at home at 10 AM. In the background, I could hear his dear Wifey yelling, “next time you piss, put up the toilet seat, you dirty pig”. Stan put his hand over the speaker, and suggested that his wife “shut the fuck up, you dumb cow”.

I think that their relationship is not at its peak, both having been quarantined for a month.

Stan wished me good health, and then he got down to business. “Fire Hugh White, that white weirdo who runs Diversity”.

I wasn’t exactly shocked, but I will die before I will lose a job position in the HR Empire. 

So I asked Stan for an explanation, hoping to stall things. “Gloria, don’t make this discussion into a silk market negotiation. I see no reason for a Diversity programme manager. None whatsoever.  Everyone is working at home. We can’t see anyone’s skin colour, nor their turbans, skull caps or kufiyahs. We cannot see who has what handicap, or whatever it’s called nowadays. The nerds can even work from their bedrooms, and we don’t know who is sleeping with whom, and how, or when. The courts are closed so no one can sue us. That’s it Ramsbottom, shake a leg and get it done. Axe Hugh White today. Pronto”.

I sent a Whatsapp to crony of mine, with whom I studied for a PhD in senior management at Harvard. He works as a senior director at the Equal Opportunities Unit at the Ministry of Labour. I used to help him with his French assignments and with German grammar at Harvard. I reminded him of the many favours I heaped on him.

One hour later, I forwarded the following email to Stan, asking for guidance.

Ms Ramsbottom,

The Minister of Labour has decided to crack down on reckless, greedy and slimy companies shirking their social responsibilities on diversity during the corona crisis. On June 2, the minister will visit your firm, accompanied by an entourage from the press. Attached is an excel sheet with the 3,354 criteria by which we will audit you. Please ensure all data is entered in our blockchain, en anglais, prior to our arrival.

Yours,

C Ronie

Stan texted me immediately. “You are a snake, Ramsbottom. But after all, HR managers should be a snake. Retain Hugh White. Shake a leg”.

Saved  by the ski of his white teeth