Client Success Officer

It's all about technology in context

Wifey (our CEO Stan's better half) read on article on the importance of hiring a Client Success Officer with a British accent at the corporate level. Wifey forwarded this article to all our leadership, and the first to read the article was none other than Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd.

I skimmed the article because it was 3 pages long, in line with my core value of skimming. The author explains that since the client success officer work focuses on shepherding a wow user experience end to end, minor technological and relationship "bugs" are mitigated and put into context. 

I may add that the author of the article is a coach who used to deal in faith healing and served as an economic consultant to Greece, which was in Europe.

Comrade Carl asked me by email (with a cc to Stan) to have this article translated into Chinese, Russian, Hindi. Furthermore, the Comrade added,

"Gloria, for far too long Management, Sales and HR have been pinning the blame on R&D . Our product is a pearl and our nerds should bare no blame for the "end to end context into which our technology is plugged".  All the organization should atone for the animosity to R&D, especially HR which is useless if you ask me".

Comrade Carl added a PS, which means post script which is not French.

"The situation of the average Greek is also unbearable. The capitalist pigs are ripping the flesh off the carcass, pretty much like bankers do all over the world. I suggest that employees from Finance, HR and Supply Chain all donate their yearly bonus to the Bank of Greece' s coffers. My nerds and I do not earn enough; otherwise we too would make a donation. Spasiba. Comrade Carl Marks (PPS: you have lovely legs).

I am going to visit Denmark when I get a bonus. or Scotland

Software products are like unripe bananas

Ripe and mature

Comrade Carl Marks astounded our senior leadership team today in our weekly meeting. On the agenda were the following issues

  1) Cost savings

  2) Restructuring of debt

  3) People Day picnic

  4) Why our sales team is so useless
  5) Digital detox

The comrade asked for "a few seconds" before we get down to the mundane agenda issues. Then Carl took out a megaphone, stood up and explained to all of the assembled that "good internet of things software is like an unripe banana.....it matures and become ripe after it is purchased. Kibinimat, why do we all talk about pleasing our unappreciative clients. We need to shape their expectations, using big data".

Now we were all in a small room and there was no need for a megaphone. So CEO Stan told me: "Gloria take that god damn megaphone away from Comrade Carl". I was texting my sister and did not hear Carl, who went on bellowing. 

I incurred Stan's wrath, which means anger. (Lots of people read my blog who don't speak English all that well).

Then Carl said, "HR's role is to recruit sales talent which can sell unripe bananas. Who cares about diversity? Who cares about payroll? Who gives a rat's ass about process or zenga zenga? If Gloria and her lackeys cannot recruit the appropriate sales force, I will set up a union. Kibinimat, HR and Sales is the root cause of our problems!"

Then Carl sat down, threw me a kiss, and offered all team members an unripe banana. This, he said, is in line with our core value of "inclusion".

Wrath, not Roth 

A smashing speech on post modern leadership!

Zenga zenga

Last night, Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, returned from a trip to our Middle Eastern offices. The comrade landed at 2300 and today at 0800, he addressed our Leadership Academy, the apple of my eye. The topic of his lecture was "What can we learn from Mid Eastern Leadership"!

Comrade Carl was wearing a galabia and sandals. He was also carrying a sacrificial   goat and when he started his lecture, he asked Miss Axe to "mind the goat for me, spasiba". Spasiba means "merci" in Russian.

Here are the main quotes from his lecture, which I am providing in line with my core values of keeping things brief.

•        Great leadership focuses on the past and a return to greatness. Who gives a rats' ass that our deliveries are late and our clients are not happy? Who are these clients anyway? Why do they matter? Nothing matters except our great history.
•        Women have some rights. The ladies of HR prove this. But let's be honest. HR keeps their jobs by firing us. Kibinimat. Is that fair? I am not against women's' rights, but we must recognize that there is a "hard core" of manipulation in the HR role, so to speak. I mean all this in a positive sense, Gloria. I love you.
•        Leadership must empower the nerds. Software timetables, quality parameters and functionality need to be established in "all-hands" meeting, without the clients' involvement. In the worst case scenario, the masses can be over ruled. Because the masses accept power.
•        Religion, not achievement, enables engagement. We need to aggressively beef up the number of believers in leadership roles. I say to you all, "Fuck atheism; I myself don't believe in anything".

When Carl made the point about religion, CEO Stan sent me a text, " Comrade Carl has jet lag".
Comrade Carl finished his speech, and 104% of our nerds clapped their hands and screamed, "Comrade Carl, give us meaning". Carl (the Comrade) stepped down from the stage, accompanied by husky body guards he had hired in Tel Aviv or Iraq. And he shook hands with each and every nerd, and blessed him, or her.

As a finale which is a French word, we all watched the zenga zenga clip. 

BTW, during Carl's speech I remember how my Dad used to call our pastor a "God damn Bible basher". This got my Mom angry.

Leadership presence (not using big data)

4 pina coladas

Comrade Carl Marks and I had our quarterly lunch together, in line with our core value of relationship enhancement paid by investors. 

The comrade arrived 20 minutes late, yet appeared jovial, positive and jocund, which is a word I remember from a spelling bea.

Carl downed 3 pina coladas as I sipped my diet coke, in line with my core value of being cool, and less uptight.

Comrade Carl closed his LG G3 smartphone and launched the following diatribe:

"Gloria you have great legs. Jesus Christ, every time we have lunch I notice them, the legs I mean. Now look here, Gloria. I want to spell out my expectations from you as HR Business Partner and Political Commissar, which by the way is "politruk" in Russian.

Our new product is a pearl. True, we have 87,945 outstanding bugs but few of them impact client revenue and as you know, our Sales Team suffers from depression. Kibinitmat Gloria, are you doing anything about this? Can't HR hire anyone who is optimistic and understands User Experience?

And let's be honest. Our CEO Stan has no leadership presence. In all the tech rags that I scan, in English, Russian, Chinese and Hindi, all I read is criticism about our product. That's baloney, Gloria. Our clients lack sophistication and the reviewers are "running dogs".

Comrade Carl then ordered another pina colada, gawked at my legs and continued.

"My expectation is that you convince Stan to enhance his leadership presence to woo the media and whip up some market enthusiasm. We also need a story for the market, Gloria, and I do not expect HR to invent it. That's Stan's job, for Christ's sake. He is the CEO! HR is all about processes and sloganeering."

My Dad Pierre Elliot also took the name of God in vein, especially before he submitted his tax reports to Impots Canada Tax.

"I have heard that there are coaches who deal with enhancing leadership presence. Some of them are good, but we need the best. So despite your reservations about external coaches, shake a leg and do it Gloria. I love HR, and I love you as well. Kibinimat, do it baby. I also recommend that you study Russian and zenga zenga engagement tools."

Presence

Refocus and realign using big data

Refocusing Ms Axe

"Gloria, the time has come for our organization to get better bang for buck from HR; re-brand using big data". This is the text message that our CEO Stanley sent me this afternoon.

Clearly, the fact that Cynthia Axe (who Heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan) was chosen as least popular employee of the year for the 20th time was the driving force behind Stan's unfortunate text.

Stan, who keeps abreast of Ms Axe, believes that "something is rotten in the Kingdom HR,  and poor Cynthia takes the heat for HR's malfunctioning". 

Whenever I failed a course in school my Dad Pierre Elliot would say to me, "Gloria, something is rotten in the kingdom of Denmark"...which was a Shakespearean wake up call.

Factoring in Stan's text,  I have decided to realign Cynthia Axe with success, using 60 kilograms of big data.

Starting tomorrow, Cynthia will be be a "people service provider" in the "domain of organizational architecture". Ms Axe will be measured by

       1-the user axe-perience

       2-profitability, in line with our core value of HR Business Partnership

       3-popularity

Ms Axe will also continue to be program manager for our early bird retirement program, however the logo of this program will be changed to reflect our dedication to big data driven HR , whatever that means.

Stan oked these changes and asked me to use "invented tradition" coaching techniques to deepen the respect for Ms Axe.