|4 pina coladas|
Comrade Carl Marks and I had our quarterly lunch together, in line with our core value of relationship enhancement paid by investors.
The comrade arrived 20 minutes late, yet appeared jovial, positive and jocund, which is a word I remember from a spelling bea.
Carl downed 3 pina coladas as I sipped my diet coke, in line with my core value of being cool, and less uptight.
Comrade Carl closed his LG G3 smartphone and launched the following diatribe:
"Gloria you have great legs. Jesus Christ, every time we have lunch I notice them, the legs I mean. Now look here, Gloria. I want to spell out my expectations from you as HR Business Partner and Political Commissar, which by the way is "politruk" in Russian.
Our new product is a pearl. True, we have 87,945 outstanding bugs but few of them impact client revenue and as you know, our Sales Team suffers from depression. Kibinitmat Gloria, are you doing anything about this? Can't HR hire anyone who is optimistic and understands User Experience?
And let's be honest. Our CEO Stan has no leadership presence. In all the tech rags that I scan, in English, Russian, Chinese and Hindi, all I read is criticism about our product. That's baloney, Gloria. Our clients lack sophistication and the reviewers are "running dogs".
Comrade Carl then ordered another pina colada, gawked at my legs and continued.
"My expectation is that you convince Stan to enhance his leadership presence to woo the media and whip up some market enthusiasm. We also need a story for the market, Gloria, and I do not expect HR to invent it. That's Stan's job, for Christ's sake. He is the CEO! HR is all about processes and sloganeering."
My Dad Pierre Elliot also took the name of God in vein, especially before he submitted his tax reports to Impots Canada Tax.
"I have heard that there are coaches who deal with enhancing leadership presence. Some of them are good, but we need the best. So despite your reservations about external coaches, shake a leg and do it Gloria. I love HR, and I love you as well. Kibinimat, do it baby. I also recommend that you study Russian and zenga zenga engagement tools."