Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Data free leadership

Zenga zenga

Last night, Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, returned from a trip to our Middle Eastern offices. The comrade landed at 2300 and today at 0800, he addressed our Leadership Academy, the apple of my eye. The topic of his lecture was "What can we learn from Mid Eastern Leadership"!

I want to remind all of you readers that no external vendors lecture at our academy, in line with my core values of cost saving and HR business partnership.

To get back to this morning…..Comrade Carl was wearing a galabia and sandals. He was also carrying a sacrificial   goat and when he started his lecture, he asked Miss Axe to "mind the goat for me, spasiba". Spasiba means "merci" in Russian.

Here are the main quotes from his lecture, which I am providing in line with my core values of keeping things brief.

  •        Great leadership focuses on the past and a return to greatness. Who gives a rats' ass that our deliveries are late and our clients are not happy? Who are these clients anyway? Why do they matter? Nothing matters except our great history.
  •        Women have some rights. The ladies of HR prove this. But let's be honest. HR keeps their jobs by firing us. Kibinimat. Is that fair? I am not against women's' rights, but we must recognize that there is a "hard core" of manipulation in the HR role, so to speak. I mean all this in a positive sense, Gloria. I love you.
  •        Leadership must empower the nerds. Software timetables, quality parameters and functionality need to be established in "all-hands" meeting, without the clients' involvement. In the worst case scenario, the masses can be over ruled. Because the masses accept power.
  •        Religion, not achievement, enables engagement. We need to aggressively beef up the number of believers in leadership roles. I say to you all, "Fuck atheism, although I myself don't believe in anything".
When Carl made the point about religion, CEO Stan sent me a text, " Comrade Carl has jet lag".
Comrade Carl finished his speech, and 104% of our nerds clapped their hands and screamed, "Comrade Carl, give us meaning". Carl (the Comrade) stepped down from the stage, accompanied by husky body guards he had hired in Tel Aviv or Iraq. And he shook hands with each and every nerd, and blessed him, or her.

As a finale which is a French word, we all watched the zenga zenga clip. 

BTW, during Carl's speech I remember how my Dad used to call our pastor a "God damn Bible basher". This got my Mom angry.

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