Which emails is it cool to ignore?

Foremost, I am the HR VP of a" people" company.
Readers of this blog all over the world know - people is my middle name on Tuesdays, every second month.

This having been said, even in a people company, I see no reason to answer most emails. We got real and put together a process for answering emails based on big data, not some silly "people" slogan. 

I asked Ms Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) and Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs diversity)  to do some data mining to figure out which emails need and don't need an answer from someone of my rank and station. 

I did some rework on their shabby recommendations and I am proud to present my new email policy policy, in line with my core values of "updated policies".

Emails to be answered:

• From CEO Stan and the narcissistic Marxist, Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd
• Compliance issues
• Any email that relates to my career
• Messages  from dateacharminghrmanagerfromcanada.com
• Any message with the words bigdata or internetofthings

Emails to be ignored:

• Inquiries from job seekers
• Wailing emails from rejected candidates who want to know why we have not yet contacted them with an answer.
• Nasty HR managers who challenge my thought leadership.
• OD vendors who send me useless crap with empty slogans. OD is dead.

PS This is not the last time I will use the term data mining.

Two years of Gloria

2 years! Mais oui!

Today this blog is two years old.

At the time that the blog was launched,  I was slavishly loyal to my CEO Stan, I was a superb administrator and a master of sloganeering. Which was why I was appointed as HR VP in the first place.

In the last two years, I acquired other skills in the area of big data, internet of things, analytics and human spare-part supply chain management.

And as I shared my skills and ideas with you my readers, I received recognition in the form of re-tweets, guest appearances in various professional newspapers, and even personal emails. Daily. Some of my admirers are real live nerds!

I love to hoard my success and share my failure but today is an exception. I want to say thank you.

Thanks to the 4000 people who read this blog daily. And a special thanks to those who read the blog and don't get angry, like HR managers in such remote places as Bangalore, Malaysia, Qatar, Saudi Arabia and London England....and I even have a reader from far away Denmark!

Thanks to Comrade Carl Marks, our  internet of things chief nerd, who made a product so faulty that even greasing palms in the third world does not promote sales.

And thanks to CEO Stan whose mixed messages make this blog possible.

Finally, without my useless staff, this blog would not be able to make anyone even smile. So, thanks to Cynthia Axe from Early Bird Retirement and Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity.

Pierre Elliot my Dad would have been so proud of me.

Acquiring the top 5 cross cultural skills in 3 hours

Five skills in one morning

What a non-resilient way to start the day.  

When I opened my Blackberry, the first thing that I noticed was that Emerging Technology VP Comrade Carl Marks had sent a scathing email to our CEO Stan, and put me on CC.

To: Stan, CEO

CC: Gloria, HR

Subject: Lack of cultural skills in HR

Stan,

The HR department reminds me on an ice cream parlour that serves only vanilla ice cream. 

Our Internet of Things Department is a diverse and multi-cultural environment. We need support, not a vanilla ice cream cone, kibinimat.

I love Gloria; she is becoming nerdish and she has lovely legs but that's not enough. We need an HR department with cross cultural skills.

Comrade Carl 

Stan told me that I have three months to transition HR to multiculturalism; after three hours, I updated Stan that the job was done.

To: Stan, CEO

CC: Comrade Carl Marks, Emerging Technology

BCC: Cynthia Axe, Hugh White, HR

Stan,

I identified the top 5 cross cultural skills, commissioned 5 webinars and "administered them" this morning.  HR is now officially cross culturally competent. 

FYI, each webinar provides certification, with a lovely mahogany frame.

The areas in which we provided certification are

1. Understanding broken English and enjoying tribal food
2. Driving in Mumbai
3. Talking all at once and not following process.
4. Russian swear words
5. Arguing with Israeli engineers

With resilience,

Gloria

Don't expect the ladies of HR understand technology?

There is too little respect for HR

Ever since I started to nerdify HR using cool  cloud technology, Comrade Carl Marks (VP Emerging Technology) and I have reached a cease fire, so to speak.

My Dad Pierre Elliot used to say that "I don't believe in cease fires Gloria; either shoot to kill or, smoke the peace pipe; Lester Pearson had it right". My guess is that very few Americans know who Lester Pearson was. Dad always said to me "never except too much worldliness from an American".

In the framework of our peace accord, Comrade Carl asked me, "Glo-baby, why not interview our new Internet of Things team-leader that I have just hired, Comrade Natasha Khmelnitski-McLean? Tell me what you think of her skill set".

The comrade laughed and said, "but don't be jealous". When Comrade Natasha showed up for the interview, I understood immediately Comrade Carl's choice. Natasha was dressed to kill as my Dad Pierre Elliot used to say. She wore very high heals.

I grilled young and inexperienced Natasha for 90 seconds (an in depth interview in my book). I concluded that Natasha is not posh. Certainly her accent leaves a lot to be desired, as it were.

At the end of the interview, Natasha had the nerve to ask me four non wow questions:

1) Isn't Comrade Carl the greatest nerd since Pavlov?

2) Just how much do "you girls in HR" understand technology?

3) If I need anything from you, until what time can I call you?

4) Can you ensure that I get  Blackberry keyboard with a Russian interface within an hour? Spasiba. Btw, why do we use Blackberry?

Spasiba means thanks in Russian.  One of the things I do not like about this job is that my French is becoming rusty.

New play mate

Why do employees bite the hand that feeds them- on social media?

Badmouthing

My Dad Pierre Elliot used to say that all dirty linen needs to be washed at home. I can only remember eight or nine times when Dad yelled at my mother to "shut the f-ck" up whilst we were in public. 

Steeped in the values of my family, I find it shocking that several of the nerds and geeks from Comrade Carl's Emerging Technology Group have taken to social media in order to make non wow comments about our firm. 

One particular web site called "Under the Sheets", which caters to "non-engaged big data nerds", really aggravated me when I read it. Here are a few tidbits, which is a posh word.

• Sanjay 1: The overly obedient and under sophisticated ladies of HR kowtow to management, reminiscent of regimes like North Korea, Albania and many African republics.
• Igor 2: Our management forces us all to speak English in con calls. Yet only a few Sales guys and the ladies of HR speak any English at all. Kibinimat. No one understands anything, and our product is a piece of shit. It makes me want to go home to the Ukraine.
• Igor 3: Our management is awful. If I did not see it, I would not believe it. The only people who stay around here are people whose passport is kept in safe keeping by the ladies of HR.
• Natasha 2: The ladies of HR in our company serve as politruks,   like the old guard in Russia!  The only difference is that the slogans are in English.
• Malka 5: We "verk" too hard, and the only time I get a good nap is when I watch HR Talent Management webinars, commissioned from cost effective vendors who do not speak good English.

CEO Stan read Under the Sheets as well and he texted me, "Gloria, we need a motivational speaker and an engagement plan. By noon. Stan"

Then Stan's wife (Wifey) called me and asked me what I plan to do "if and when" I leave the company. Wifey added, "Stan is very disappointed with you, Gloria."