3 top questions to nerd health call center

Hugh gets a bonus

Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs our Diversity Department, set up a call centre for health issues impacting ALL members of our workforce.
Whenever Hugh White uses the  term "ALL employees" , CEO Stan thinks that HR is not aligned with business needs.

The call centre is operated on a pro bono basis and run out of a local college where one can get a PhD in  Public Health within 6 months, even if you just "dial in" to the lectures. 
All lecturers have a British accent, which makes the studies all the more appealing. (My Dad used to say that the Brits sound smart reading a phone book).

As a matter of fact, this past Friday, CEO Stan's brainy wife Wifey read an article  about our health call centre in the local newspaper. At breakfast she said to her husband, "Stanley, that health call centre makes me proud of you. Pick up a bottle of wine on the way home. And be home by 6 pm".

CEO Stan sent me a text telling me that he gave a "spot bonus" to Hugh White of $5000 for outstanding initiative. I tendered my resignation  and Stan lowered the bonus to $3000, at which time I withdrew my resignation.

Today, I dropped by the call center to learn what our needy staff is asking about. Here are a few things I picked up-

1) Comrade Carl Marks is so unstable that when he describes the product road map, I get vertigo. What can I do? (The caller had a heavy Thai accent, yet I understood 105%)

2)  We have an HR manager with gorgeous legs. Sometimes I get very nasty thoughts. Is there a solution? (Heavens! I recognized the voice of old de Villiers, from the Big Data Team)

3) When I sit in the toilet and listen to other people talking in conference calls about big data and cloud computing, I get constipation. Can I sue the company? (The caller, apparently from Sales, appeared to have perfect English.)

My head is spinning. What are the legal implications of this call centre?  Legal affairs top issue all HR managers should think about. I will use a French term; it is our raison d'etre.

old de Villiers must be gawking

Who am I? What am I hiding?

In a leading HR rag, I have spilled the beans about my past.

What makes me great

HR Analytics as a Strategic Asset

More important that Cloud Computing?
Mais oui!

The shelf time of HR buzzwords seems to be getting shorter!

I heard a lecture (90 second podcast) today that HR Analytics may become more powerful than cloud computing and/or big data. 

It was just yesterday when I guided my staff to mutter "cloud computing" 3 times a day.  Whilst using the term "HR Business Partner" or "Big Data", my staff was also told to pray facing towards the East (Rome, Mecca, Istanbul and/or Jerusalem).

These HR slogans remind me of a horse race that Dad (Pierre Elliot) and I went to in Montreal when visiting my grandmother (Chantal) . We went to Blue Bonnets......With HR Analytics "leading Big Data and Cloud by a head on the final stretch". 

In those days, there were no analytics....Dad just placed his $2 bet on horses with French names.

So, back to the final stretch..... It appears that HR Analytics is here to stay and may take the race. I have taken some action, as it were. I love the term, "as it were".

I have renamed Hugh White's role as Diversity chief and HR Analytics Coordinator. Ms Axe's (Cynthia) role is Head of Early Bird Retirement and HR Analytics and Staff Satisfaction sacrificial lamb.

The name of my role stays the same.   I am, after all, almost a legend in my own time, as it were. Even in Denmark.

Je me souviens

HR managers need to know when to shut up

Carl's lease on life may be short

Dear Readers,

Please read this thread of emails in order to get a grasp of what HR business partnership is.

Merci,

Gloria

1 To Chairman Ed

From: Comrade Carl Marks, R&D

CC: Stan@CEO; GRamsbottom@HR; All

Chairman Ed,

Our team recently released a product which is a pearl. 

Some of our unsophisticated clients have issues deploying the product, yet this is a tactical service issue.

Our HR manager, Gloria (my so called HR business partner) claims that CEO Stan has told her to "let Carl stew in his own juice". 

Stan ignores me as of late, and refers me for coaching to that annoying Gloria who is always texting.

BTW, I suggest you try our new product; the documentation should be ready momentarily; it is being translated from Russian.

Spasiba (thank you),

Comrade Carl Marks

............................................

2-To: GRamsbottom@HR

From: Stan@CEO

CC: Ed@Chairman; GRamsbottom@HR

Gloria,

What is taking so long on the Head of Service recruit? Why is HR not responsive? Comrade Carl's focus on continuous engineering/deployment is a waste of his rare talent. Please hone your business partnership with Comrade Carl, in a timely fashion.

Stan

........................................................................................

3- To: All

From: Stan@CEO

There is an immediate head count freeze. Even I cannot hire a soul. Exceptions to be oked by EVP HR Gloria Ramsbottom

............................................

In my matriculation exams in Moose Jaw, I was asked "what is the difference between rebellion and civil war"? I got a 52 in history.

School did not prepare me to be an HR manager.

But my Dad did. He told me that if I get well paid, I should keep quiet. I net 150 K a year.

une perle

When the Scots leave the UK

Post Stan

Whilst I want to tap into my employees'  rather limited talent, I do not want them to feel "too good", which would make them ask for more money. 

Thus, while I do not keep my employees on a short leash, the canine metaphor is not irrelevant. Par exemple:

CEO Stan, Hugh White (Diversity) and I met in the parking lot. Hugh looked so White in the morning sun.

Stan spoke to Hugh without asking my permission: 
"So White, if the Scots leave Britain, will you get rid of that Scot who works at the switchboard, whose accent is incomprehensible? I suggest you do that Hugh, and hire someone from England. After all, England will become a very small country, and being English may become a "disability" with a Northern neighbour like Scotland. For Christs sake, I read that the Scots will abandon the English language altogether".

I do not know too much about Scotland;

I regret not having paid attention to Mr Blanc, my history teacher. He always looked at me and said, "Gloria, don't sit there like a bump on a log`.

White (Hugh) froze and looked at me. Hugh knows that all dialogue with senior management must be channeled through me, in line with my core value of power preservation.

I need to think how I want to guide White and manage his talent. Too much initiative is not a good thing. 

I slept in History Class but I am a thought leader in HR