HR Recruitment Bypassed as Comrade Carl Marks hires Marsha Zhukov

Who needs a recruitment function?

Hugh White from Diversity came into my room at 905 am. He had a black eye and swollen lip. Apparently, heterosexual (white) Hugh and his wife Comrade Ludmilla had had a minor misunderstanding and Ludmilla (nee Khrushchev) had the upper hand, as it were.

Hugh blurted out: "Gloria, Comrade Carl hired a PMO without our involvement. The new recruit is Marsha Zhukov, and apparently her great grandfather was a big shot over there in Europe. Apparently, he helped the Americans defeat the Germans in Stalingrad in World War 2."

I am always startled by the intelligence of the people who report into me. Even I know that it was the British who defeated Germany and I was weak in history, as it were.

I am also startled that our ERP (HR module) did not block that weirdo Carl from hiring someone and not abiding by process, as it were.

I looked at my inbox (whilst I was reading a text from my sister Claire who is going thru her 5th divorce) and I saw the following email:

To: all

From: Marsha Zhukov-O'Brian

“After a few hours in the company, I understand why leadership allows Comrade Carl Marks to directs every move and decision... Carl is the greatest and wisest R&D manager who ever lived; he is cooler than big data.

I promise to purge R&D from negative input, promulgated by subversive elements in Sales, as well as marginalize the HR "free-lunchers" who live off the sweat of our people."

Marsha Zhukov-O'Brien, Comrade

Project Management Office, aka, PMO

                                                                             Big shot in Europe

What every IoT geek must demand from HR

Comrade Carl's HR Manifesto

Comrade Carl Marks is the leader of our Emerging Technology Team, aka IoT.

Comrade Carl has a personality disorder which manifests itself in 3 ways: 

1) speaking in a Russian accent although he is an American, 2) disliking HR, and

3) endless rambling that his IoT product is a "pearl" although the clients want to uninstall it due to 87865663 bugs.

Comrade Carl must have had a bad night last night, it appears. He texted me at midnight in Russian! I ignored him as I do all men at that time, following Dad's advice. "What can a man want at midnight?", Dad warned.

Today when I came into work, I saw Comrade Carl distributing leaflets in English, Russian, Hindi, Chinese and Hebrew. 

The leaflet, named "Carl's HR Manifesto", spelt out Carl's view of "what employees should expect from HR".

1) HR should identify with the working class, and not kiss Stan's ass. 
2) High performers should be treated like big data nerds, not squeezed like a fucking lemon.

3) Downsizing should be done in the Finance, HR and Legal organizations.

4) Ms Cynthia Axe should cover up her cleavage when downsizing, despite the sexless nature of the nerd.

5) The head of Diversity should not have a white hue to his skin, nor be heterosexual. Hugh White, the present white boy who staffs Diversity, is a sign of Gloria's insensitivity and negative attitude to the downtrodden working man, and woman.

6) HR documents should be issued in all tribal languages, even Russian. The documents should leverage cloud computing capabilities. (The term Cloud is so sexy).

7) HR should prove its added value daily, or be disbanded.

8) All HR managers should have a background in IT and Law.

9) HR Business partnership is betrayal of employees.

10) Gloria has nice legs.

CEO Stan issues strategic guidelines for HR

Gloria,

Implement these strategic guidelines next week, in line with our core values of doing what you are told.

1-Non strategic cost cutting needs to expanded to lessen the burn rate. Reduce fat where ever you see, and wallpaper the pain with all your fancy HR slogans.

2-Some of our big data engineers are calling the product "dog food". Root that out, in line with our core values of rooting things out.

3- Cynthia Axe via her Early Bird Retirement Plan or whatever you call it, must "trim" 50 heads a week, whilst Strategic Procurement should drive half of our vendors into receivership, or abject poverty.

4-No cuts whatsoever in big data, internet of things, cloud based activities. 

5-Massive use of  IMT-"Intrinsic Motivation Tools", to be developed by HR SVP Gloria Ramsbottom. Do not delegate this task Gloria.

7-Staff engagement must rise by 34%. You own that, Ramsbottom.

7-Internal Head of Communications to be hired to ensure positive messages reach our staff. Last week, I met a lady whom I will send to you for an interview. See if she compatible and then hire her.

8- Trim the number of core values we have from 5 to 3.

Stan

At the helm

2016 strategy must be based on bigdata

                                                                                                     Leading the way!

Today's 2016 strategic session was semi wow, and if I am frank as well as earnest, it was non wow.

CEO Stan had always shunned from strategy, like the US president. This is where the similarity ends, claims Diversity Chief Hugh White, who pointed out to me that Stan is white as a lily and not a good public speaker.

But Wifey had attended a lecture for the wives of CEO's and the lecturer, who loves to send 10000 motivational tweets a day, claimed that "one of the key roles of a CEO's wife is to ensure that hubby stays focused on his strategy". Thus, Stan is focusing on strategy.

By the way, none of the men I ever dated cared too much about strategic issues. They always appear focused on "something" else. (Dad warned me about that).

Stan asked all of us to present our strategies.

Comrade Carl Marks from R&D has strategic plans for new and esoteric features which are "cloud based" and "leverage big data". Stan countered, "Comrade Carl how about a strategy to get your fucking product to work"?

VP of Sales, said her strategy was to find new users "who have not heard about our product". Northern Syria, Iraq and tunnels under Gaza appear to be good markets. VP Sales said to Comrade Carl, "You better get that product working, Weirdo". 

Then it was my turn. My strategy includes cheaper labour costs, smashing potential union activity, ensuring that high performers do not get overpaid, improving my texting skills and upgrading my Honda Insight within one year to a Toyota Prius. Of course, I always focus, every single Thursday, on making us into a people company.

Stan said that big data, Comrade Carl's eccentricities, Sales' pessimism and my "excessive practicality" have driven him to take a key strategic decision:  "Gloria, we need a mission statement, and hire me a spokesman, for internal communications"

When the CEO has a medical issue, what is HR's role

Behind in his work

I was not surprised when Wifey (our CEO's wife) invited me for lunch to confide in me some big data, i.e., that CEO Stan has hemorrhoids. Wifey, nibbling a croissant, looked me in the eyes and said: "HR management (she meant me) needs to install a bidet in his bathroom and this needs to be discrete, Gloria".

Why was I not surprised? Because Stan had been complaining that all meetings are "too fucking long, Gloria". Often, Stan stood up after just 5 minutes into most meetings, apparently to show his impatience, as it were.

Everyone has medical problems from time to time. Mais oui!

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, never saw a doctor till he was 79, because "doctors always find out something wrong, for Christ's sake-that's their job; and they never know how to fix anything".

My mother Constance, who is still alive, has chronic post nasal drip and is always clearing her throat; my brothers Frank and Ernest Ramsbottom both have asthma, albeit mild.

I think I may have an attention disorder deficit, but it does not matter; I am in HR, and all I do is text all day. And I visit a chiropractor thrice a week; notice thrice.

In order to keep Stan's affliction totally discrete, after I came back from meeting Wifey, I convened a meeting with Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) and Hugh White, the white boy who runs Diversity. 

I told Cynthia to fire anyone who gossips about this issue. I told Hugh White that he should hire several people with this affliction so that Stan will feel normative. Behaviour like this is the pinnacle of business partnership.

I sat down and started browsing to look for a same-night installation of a bidet when I got a copy of an email (sent to me by mistake) from Comrade Carl Marks to all his Engineering crew. "Hey guys, come into my office. I have something really funny to tell you about Stan".

Carl's  English-language email was accompanied by a translation into Russian, Hindi and Hebrew, since only 3% of his staff speak any English.

Mother has post nasal drip