New menu of HR Services, blockchain and telebrajo friendly with Danish standards

Never the one to shun innovation (or diversity), I ate at a new Chinese restaurant which opened a take away service, due to the so-called Covid virus, which has been ruining my life for almost a year. 

I sent my footman Jean-Marie to bring me supper at 6 pm. Not midnight. I am not Spanish.

Jean Marie sent me the menu by Whatsapp, and I chose between the various columns what turned out to be a very sumptuous albeit ethnic meal.

And that got the me thinking about how I could refresh the look and feel of our service offering. 

Thus I created  3 columns, and each nerd who wants basic service can choose one item from each column, whilst nerds who want to get the full whammy get to choose 2 items per column, minus tax and a service fee.

Lookie lookie.

Column A

Low salary

Very low salary and bonus

Feeling of Engagement

Column B

Blockchain (2nd hand)

Warm data

Liminality (2 doses from Scotland within 3 weeks)

Column C

Letter of recommendation signed by me

Letter of recommended signed by CEO Stan

Wellness program based on Danish standards

Column D

Teletrabajo 3 days a week

Teletrabajo 5 days a week

Working from the office with a face mask, gloves, a hat and boots

 

HR Portal of the Future Launched Yesterday

                                                            Mr Hugh White

Some people think. Some people ponder. Some dither. I do.

My staff, which includes a perky Ms Axe (Cynthia) my downsizing diva as well as Senor Hugh White, the straight white boy who manages(d) Diversity, are destined to become members of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, aka EBRP. And “as such”, I have remodeled our delivery model for HR services, leaning heavily on blockchain technology, feline instincts, common sense and renewable energy, all of which “culminated” in our spanking new HR portal.

In order to enter the portal, each nerds needs to enter a mere 5 numbers: passport number, wives’ passport numbers (all of them); last 4 numbers of their credit card; family name in numerals with A being 1 and B being 2 etc; and systolic blood pressure.

Having entered the portal, 4 buttons appear.

Button 1: Perks for Turks. This button is for our Turkish nerds, to be hired in 2023.

Button 2: Passport Safekeeping and Visa Management. Closed due to the so-called Corona virus.

Button 3: Diversity University. Includes English language training, procurement of whitening cream, and ethnic background of our nerds and parking lot attendants.

Button 4: Early Bird Retirement Club. Includes daily update of axed staff and retirement (non) benefits.

                                                      On your right, Ms Axe  - Gemacht

Re-tooling the HR Lady for the days of the Corona Plague

                                                               El Pais

The corona plague is not for the weak-hearted, that's for sure. That's especially true if you own a restaurant, own a mink farm in Scandinavia, work in the entertainment business,  have a poor internet connection, or your partner struts around the apartment naked whilst you are on a Zoom call.

But nothing is worser (!) than being an unskilled HR lady who has to deal with work-capsules, health regulations, leave-without-pay as well as  cope with everyone's angst, which is a nice word I have started to use.

Using my agile Austrian blockchain, I have nailed down the top three attributes leading to my success-all of which led to my being chosen HR Lady of the year 2020, for all "intensive purposes".

Here's what I have been up to:

1) Perk Alignment: I  trimmed and slimmed the following perks: health club fees, egg-freezing, mushrooms/extra cheese on late night pizzas, ethnic-food day, English language lessons, taxis to the airport, shingles vaccine booster shots, upgrade of mobile phones, health insurance. I shut down one elevator and turned down the air conditioner to  19 degrees celsius, which my American readers don't understand.

2) Job Pruning: I reduced the number of customer service agents in our call centre, and outsourced that service to a call centre that answers the phone within 21 days. I cut the number of administrative staff by 5 and then added 6 more. I fired the gardener and window washer and rehired these functions from Gibraltar, so that the work be done remotely.

3) Sundry:  I commissioned an online fat-reducing fitness program from the USA , outsourced IT services to Kabul, and commissioned an online tele-medeicine service, which has been previously been documented here, in el Pais and on the BBC.

I also augmented by own salary to 200,000 Euro a year, as well as a  small one time spot bonus of 12000 Euro.