Breakfast tab becomes a compensation issue

New ways to invest

Comrade Carl Marks, our  chief big data nerd, invited me out for our quarterly breakfast.

I ordered Eggs Benedict, 2 bran muffins, a chocolate bar and a vanilla milkshake. Did I mention that I have a thyroid issue?

Comrade Carl ordered bagels and cream cheese even though he is not Jewish, a bottle of red wine and some licorice. With the wine, Carl popped a white pill. Carl told me that "taking a Cipralex with wine is the key to our company's innovation".

In our chit chat before the food arrived, the comrade complained that he "does not have a pot to piss in". Carl supports 3 children from 4 wives/girlfriends. "After all my alimony payments,  I am as poor as a church mouse, yob tvoyu mat, " groaned Carl.

I told Comrade Marks about my new Samsung 9 as well as my progress in learning Danish". The comrade countered, "No one uses Blackberry anyone, and even fewer people chose to learn Danish!" 

After we pigged out on the food, Comrade Carl leaned across the table and kissed me. "Spasiba Gloria, I will be a rich man because of you". Spasiba is "thanks" in Russian.

I asked Carl what he means?

"Gloria, I purchased an option which hedges our nerds' compensation against the cost of living index. If our nerds have increased spending power in a year, I lose $100,000. However if they lose spending power, I get 25% dividend and a business class ticket to Moscow, not on Aeroflot, El Al or Lot. If you were not HR manager, I never would have bought this option".

Comrade Carl then told me I had nice legs and that "he will pick up the breakfast bill". Carl drove to work with me  and we arrived, he said, "Glo, I need a cash advance on my salary; please cough it up, Spasiba".

Gloria's organizational climate and culture survey - free for the public at large

5 questions

Worldwide, there are HR managers, consultants and snake oil salespeople searching for agile and sustainable tools to monitor organizational health and measure the deviance of the average nerd from the espoused culture.

Folks fork out thousands of dollars, even Euros, to buy these survey technologies and get certified.

And I say "kibinimat, enough is enough. I need to put my money where my mouth is, and if I am the first lady of HR, I need to give away things. Screw revenue; reputation is everything.

So I am giving away my organizational climate and culture survey, which consists of 5 questions and takes 6 seconds to fill out. One of the questions is, "does your CEO have white skin and grey hair, and is your switchboard aligned with diversity?".

To get the other five questions all you need to do is transfer 1000 Euros to cover handling costs, and then re-tweet 100 of my posts 200 times daily, for a week.

The survey is in English, and because of the thousands of people who have already used this tool, I can vouch that even if your staff has  heavy foreign accents, the survey is valid. (98.7%)

Re-branding HR for 2019

Focus on service delivery

I am never one to be surprised. Mais non.

I am fully aware of the fact that 2019 is soon upon us. Social media is choc-a-bloc with half cooked, data driven ideas about how to make HR better. Many of these  ideas are very impractical, liberal and non sustainable. I need to do better than that to justify my position as first lady of HR.

In line with my core values of staying ahead of the pack, I am re shuffling my department as of today to better align with 2019, from an HR perspective.

I have abolished the role of Early Bird Retirement Manager. Miss Cynthia Axe, who used to fill this role will be re-branded as Severance Delivery Project Manager. Her everyday tasks remain the same, but she will get a new Samsung 9 and 3 new scalpels. She will also be measured by user experience.

Hugh White, the white straight boy who heads diversity, will get an entirely new role. This came about after his wife, the Ukrainian born Comrade Ludmilla White, called to tell me that Hugh will  "quit his miserable job and open a dry cleaning business unless he gets a raise". As a result, and without bending in the face of adversity, I am pleased to announce that Hugh White has been appointed as Head of Diversity and Inclusion; his salary will be paid in Danish currency to keep him happy. And Hugh will get a new Nokia, the pinnacle of privilege, so to speak.

My title remains the same, Executive Senior Vice President of HR and Chief People Officer; some things need never change.

No dry cleaning for Hugh

How HR can best partner with consultants to create Artificial Intelligence

Creating Artificial Intelligence

Recently we (the royal we) commissioned a consultant to deal with the lack of engagement with the Class 4 Nerds. This refers to a nerd from a non English speaking country who gets his green card, and starts to show lack of respect for our company in general and the ladies of HR in particular.

In the tender I issued for the consultant, we had 40,8974 bids, which must say someone about market conditions. My team reviewed each bid for 2 seconds, and brought to me the final 5 candidates for consideration.

This weekend I spent time with my sister, who is undergoing her 4th divorce in as many months. Whilst dealing with her hysterics and helping her pack her tucker bag, I chose the consultant with whom I  (we) will work.

I used the following big data-based decision criteria to chose the vendor. 

1-Slavish loyalty

2-Abject poverty

3-Over 50 and plump

4-In possession of ready made tool kits

5-Understands broken English

The consultant was elated when chosen, and I asked that the synergy created by the project be transferred into Artificial Intelligence and Big Data at no extra price! 

As my Dad used to say, "what a deal, Lucille"!