Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Re-branding HR for 2019

Focus on service delivery

I am never one to be surprised. Mais non.

I am fully aware of the fact that 2019 is soon upon us. Social media is choc-a-bloc with half cooked, data driven ideas about how to make HR better. Many of these  ideas are very impractical, liberal and non sustainable. I need to do better than that to justify my position as first lady of HR.

In line with my core values of staying ahead of the pack, I am re shuffling my department as of today to better align with 2019, from an HR perspective.

I have abolished the role of Early Bird Retirement Manager. Miss Cynthia Axe, who used to fill this role will be re-branded as Severance Delivery Project Manager. Her everyday tasks remain the same, but she will get a new Samsung 9 and 3 new scalpels. She will also be measured by user experience.

Hugh White, the white straight boy who heads diversity, will get an entirely new role. This came about after his wife, the Ukrainian born Comrade Ludmilla White, called to tell me that Hugh will  "quit his miserable job and open a dry cleaning business unless he gets a raise". As a result, and without bending in the face of adversity, I am pleased to announce that Hugh White has been appointed as Head of Diversity and Inclusion; his salary will be paid in Danish currency to keep him happy. And Hugh will get a new Nokia, the pinnacle of privilege, so to speak.

My title remains the same, Executive Senior Vice President of HR and Chief People Officer; some things need never change.
No dry cleaning for Hugh

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