Sunday, 28 August 2016

Breakfast tab becomes a compensation issue

New ways to invest

Comrade Carl Marks, our  chief big data nerd, invited me out for our quarterly breakfast.
I ordered Eggs Benedict, 2 bran muffins, a chocolate bar and a vanilla milkshake. Did I mention that I have a thyroid issue?

Comrade Carl ordered bagels and cream cheese even though he is not Jewish, a bottle of red wine and some licorice. With the wine, Carl popped a white pill. Carl told me that "taking a Cipralex with wine is the key to our company's innovation".

In our chit chat before the food arrived, the comrade complained that he "does not have a pot to piss in". Carl supports 3 children from 4 wives/girlfriends. "After all my alimony payments,  I am as poor as a church mouse, yob tvoyu mat, " groaned Carl.

I told Comrade Marks about my new Samsung 9 as well as my progress in learning Danish". The comrade countered, "No one uses Blackberry anyone, and even fewer people chose to learn Danish!" 

After we pigged out on the food, Comrade Carl leaned across the table and kissed me. "Spasiba Gloria, I will be a rich man because of you". Spasiba is "thanks" in Russian.
I asked Carl what he means?

"Gloria, I purchased an option which hedges our nerds' compensation against the cost of living index. If our nerds have increased spending power in a year, I lose $100,000. However if they lose spending power, I get 25% dividend and a business class ticket to Moscow, not on Aeroflot, El Al or Lot. If you were not HR manager, I never would have bought this option".

Comrade Carl then told me I had nice legs and that "he will pick up the breakfast bill". Carl drove to work with me  and we arrived, he said, "Glo, I need a cash advance on my salary; please cough it up, Spasiba".

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