Big data hails new dawn of HR

Gloria and Miss Axe
On-boarding crew

This quarter we recruited and on-boarded 4 nerds to support a new product release (called al Fajr al-Jadid, or New Dawn) which is in its pre-embryonic phase. These nerdish engineers speak the tribal languages of our 3rd world clients who bought the product.

These fresh nerds have been recruited at a cut throat price, in line with our core values of recruiting nerds at a cut throat price. 

HR made every attempt to hire and on-board these lads and lassies in 4 hours. In line with my core values of sharing success stories, I am sharing with my readers how we pulled it off.

At 0900 Comrade Carl Marks checked the ability of each nerd to understand unclear specs and push back against client intervention in managing schedules. Understanding of Russian swearing was also factored in to the interview process, as it were.

At 0939, Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs diversity, checked the skin color of each nerd, and put them in a technology-powered chair which checks sexual orientation and lists physical liabilities, using 3 tons of big data.

At 1002, Miss Cynthia Axe interviewed each nerd to register their preferred method of severance. Some chose to get termination via sms and others preferred to hear a rumor about severance and quit on their own.

At 1020, our German CFO Herr Krebbs checked their level of discipline unt order. 

At 1029, each candidate had an interview with me to ensure their absolute alignment with the meaning of HR business partnership, and their ability to grovel.

We welcome Sanjay, Sanjay, Svetlana and Svetlana to our team! 

Hugh White and new technology

Herr Krebbs speaks out

21st century Carl

The CEO of one of our remaining key clients appeared before our senior leadership team today by video. The client CEO had grey hair, white skin and spoke perfect English, which made us worry.
He claimed that not only did our new product not function to spec, but it also caused a decrease in his revenues! "You all better shape up, or I will ruin you", was how the apparently  vexed CEO ended his comments, which was non wow if you ask me.

CEO Stan thanked the client for his "useful input" and the client dropped off the line. Stan texted me "I wish I had seen that free webinar you had offered me on anger management".

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, asked for permission to "retort to the clients' bigoted claims" . Stan nodded in agreement and Carl took out a megaphone, always a dangerous sign. 

                                           

Denmark Room 

                                              

"This client needs to move into the 21st century. In the 20th century, what you saw is what you got; in the 21st century this is no longer the case".

Stan muttered under his breath, "Fucking Comrade Carl has flipped out again". And Comrade Carl continued. "This client thinks like an American or European post modern aristocrat who  worries about customer satisfaction, user experience and other bourgeois accouterments. This is passe, kibinimat. Our product is a pearl; both our hardware and software platform serve as a launch pad for inter-operability, cloud integration and the internet of things".

Comrade Carl then took out a flask of brandy and downed it. I noticed that Carl had used two French words, passe and accouterments.

The comrade finished off his rant saying, "Ask anyone who lives in Iran, Israel, Yemen, Iraq or China. What you DON'T see is what you get. That is the axiom of the 21st century. I call for new elections to replace primitive CEOs at the client base.  Spasiba". Then Carl sat down and smiled.

Herr Krebbs, our new CFO, said, "Komrad Karl, ve vont get anyver vit zis emotional aprrrrroach. Can ve look at ze facts? How many bugs do ve haf? Vat are de priorities to fixing dem? Please, ve need more infomazzzon".

Stan called out me me, "Christ Gloria, what the hell has Herr Krebbs just said? I can't understand a fucking word".

In the last 5 minutes of our meeting in order to cheer things up which is HR's role, I told the leadership team that the cafeteria will be renamed the "Denmark Dining Room", so that all nerds will be happy at least when they down their food. 
I also promised to show a free webinar to all our nerds on "Titillating Spoiled Clients who Buy Emerging  Technology". The webinar is provided by a vendor currently learning English. 

I am disclosing a secret-we have a uber CFO

My new peer is Herr Krebbs

I admit it! Fearing a disaster, I hid some information from my readers. One month ago, we hired a uber CFO and I did not disclose this. Now that things are ok, and in line with my core values of functional transparency, I will bring you all up to speed on this very positive development.

Herr Alfred Krebbs joined our dream team and has a seat at the table next to me; Herr Krebbs is a German who has relocated to the States for a period of three years in line with our core values of US based globalism. 
On arrival, the ladies of HR presented him with a American flag and a baseball cap. CEO Stan welcomed Krebbs with a terse statement-"take care of the banks, Krebbs-confuse them with facts-that's why I hired you".

Herr Krebbs is also a peer of Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, whose hobby/fetish is reading books about the Battle of Stalingrad.
CEO Stan manages Herr Krebbs directly;  Stan is already "still having problems with his European mentality and accent", to quote Stan.

Today I submitted a report by text to Stan about Herr Krebbs' on-boarding, in line with my core value of data free performance appraisal. 

Herr Krebbs had worked (verked) in a Danish company, but left because "everyone was too happy. You cannot mix verk and pleasure", Krebbs told me laconically.

I have noticed that Herr Krebbs appears to be driven for a desire for a huge amount of detail. "Ve cannot make desizions zis vay", said Herr Krebbs, referring to Comrade Carl's hallucinatory  sales forecast; Carl believes that "great products sell themselves, and our product is a pearl despite falling sales". 

Herr Krebbs is also quite practical- "Komrade Karl is a looz kannon, Fräulein Ramsbottom. Fvy don't you arrange zom help for him?" I also noted that Herr Krebbs' office is very neat and when he answers the phone, he says, "Krebbs", which appears to me to be a German tribal tradition.

Krebbs and Comrade Carl Marks have had one run in. It happened when Krebbs noticed the picture of Marshall Zhukov on the eccentric comrade's desk. "Zis is unaczeptable. He is a Wahnsinnege."

Uber HR

Transactional Machiavellian-ism

Hi Gloria,

This is a private note just to tell you how much I admire you, although we lock horns all the time.

I must admit that your blog has made me famous and I thank you for that. I promise never to share with your readers the fact that that every time I am featured in your blog, readership soars. Your blog is all about you, Babes, and I would take off my hat to you, if I wore one. No one wears a hat anymore, blacha mucha.

As I have come to know you, not in the Biblical sense, I have "come" to realize  that you are an "HR essentialist". Yes, you vacillate from slogan to slogan, from data to intuition, from business partnership to people day, from boot-licking CEO Stan to kissing his hairy ass. However, all this is consistent with HR essentialism.

Gloria baby, you have taught me about the set of attributes which are necessary to the identity,  function and long term survival of HR: Machiavellian transactionalism, loyalty to the regime whilst remaining semantically au courant, agile ethical pliability, procedures, policing and good common sense. And your legs don't do any damage either.

Political correctness does not enable Obama et al to understand foreign policy, especially Mid-Eastern affairs and the plans of Comrade Putin. And Trump appeals to the vastly undereducated well fed Americans who want more revenge after 9/11. While my heart is with Obama on most issues, I have always wanted a heavier hand in foreign policy. And whilst I want a heavy hand in foreign policy, that hand  needs to be connected to a brain. Sorry for digressing, but I needed to get that off my chest kibinimat.

Gloria, I drink to your health. Le-chaim, even though you are not Jewish, nor am I.

Eleanor Roosevelt said that "a woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water." I salute you!  You are the ultimate uber HR manager. Please provide me big data for the Q4 2019 bonuses.

A kiss on your frigid cold Canadian cheek,

Comrade Carl Marks

VP Development and Blockchain Guru