Tuesday, 15 March 2016

Herr Krebbs speaks out

21st century Carl

The CEO of one of our remaining key clients appeared before our senior leadership team today by video. The client CEO had grey hair, white skin and spoke perfect English, which made us worry.
He claimed that not only did our new product not function to spec, but it also caused a decrease in his revenues! "You all better shape up, or I will ruin you", was how the apparently  vexed CEO ended his comments, which was non wow if you ask me.

CEO Stan thanked the client for his "useful input" and the client dropped off the line. Stan texted me "I wish I had seen that free webinar you had offered me on anger management".

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, asked for permission to "retort to the clients' bigoted claims" . Stan nodded in agreement and Carl took out a megaphone, always a dangerous sign. 
Denmark Room 
"This client needs to move into the 21st century. In the 20th century, what you saw is what you got; in the 21st century this is no longer the case".

Stan muttered under his breath, "Fucking Comrade Carl has flipped out again". And Comrade Carl continued. "This client thinks like an American or European post modern aristocrat who  worries about customer satisfaction, user experience and other bourgeois accouterments. This is passe, kibinimat. Our product is a pearl; both our hardware and software platform serve as a launch pad for inter-operability, cloud integration and the internet of things".

Comrade Carl then took out a flask of brandy and downed it. I noticed that Carl had used two French words, passe and accouterments.

The comrade finished off his rant saying, "Ask anyone who lives in Iran, Turkey, Israel, Yemen, Iraq or China. What you DON'T see is what you get. That is the axiom of the 21st century. I call for new elections to replace primitive CEOs at the client base.  Spasiba". Then Carl sat down and smiled.

Herr Krebbs, our new CFO, said, "Komrad Karl, ve vont get anyver vit zis emotional aprrrrroach. Can ve look at ze facts? How many bugs do ve haf? Vat are de priorities to fixing dem? Please, ve need more infomazzzon".

Stan called out me me, "Christ Gloria, what the hell has Herr Krebbs just said? I can't understand a fucking word".

In the last 5 minutes of our meeting in order to cheer things up which is HR's role, I told the leadership team that the cafeteria will be renamed the "Denmark Dining Room", so that all nerds will be happy at least when they down their food. 
I also promised to show a free webinar to all our nerds on "Titillating Spoiled Clients who Buy Emerging  Technology". The webinar is provided by a vendor currently learning English. 

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