Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Big data hails new dawn of HR

Gloria and Miss Axe
On-boarding crew

This quarter we recruited and on-boarded 4 nerds to support a new product release (called al Fajr al-Jadid, or New Dawn) which is in its pre-embryonic phase. These nerdish engineers speak the tribal languages of our 3rd world clients who bought the product.

These fresh nerds have been recruited at a cut throat price, in line with our core values of recruiting nerds at a cut throat price. 

HR made every attempt to hire and on-board these lads and lassies in 4 hours. In line with my core values of sharing success stories, I am sharing with my readers how we pulled it off.

At 0900 Comrade Carl Marks checked the ability of each nerd to understand unclear specs and push back against client intervention in managing schedules. Understanding of Russian swearing was also factored in to the interview process, as it were.

At 0939, Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs diversity, checked the skin color of each nerd, and put them in a technology-powered chair which checks sexual orientation and lists physical liabilities, using 3 tons of big data.

At 1002, Miss Cynthia Axe interviewed each nerd to register their preferred method of severance. Some chose to get termination via sms and others preferred to hear a rumor about severance and quit on their own.

At 1020, our German CFO Herr Krebbs checked their level of discipline unt order. 

At 1029, each candidate had an interview with me to ensure their absolute alignment with the meaning of HR business partnership, and their ability to grovel.

We welcome Sanjay, Sanjay, Svetlana and Svetlana to our team! 
Hugh White and new technology