|I don`t care about your wives or sisters|
Our white-skinned and sexually straight Head of Diversity, Hugh White, conducted a survey which shocked the living daylights out of me. The dashboard on my German-made blockchain was flashing red with these messages.
• 89% of the nerds (many of whom speak poor English) believe that it is legitimate to avenge someone who has slept with their sister.
• 110% of our nerds prefer that ladies wear high heels and short skirts to work.
• 99.17% of the nerds want to take the elevator alone with Ms Cynthia Axe, our down-sizer-in-residence; 100% want to keep abreast of her comings and goings.
I forwarded the survey to our CEO, Stan, who did not read it. In order to get his attention, I told Stan that the Ladies Lobby was going to sue his ass off, and an aggressive, 19 year old "ladies affairs" TV reporter wants to interview him tonight. Stan ran into my room screaming, `get me out of this mess, Gloria, or you are out on your cold Canadian ass`. Stan gets upset sometimes.
In order to address the findings in Hugh White`s survey in a timely fashion, we declared today as Gender Equality Day. All nerds received a T shirt with a picture of Ms Axe and me and the slogan-"2 HR ladies are worth 6 nerds with C++ skills".
Then, as coached, Comrade Carl Marks gave a speech to his nerds, which unfortunately did not go as I planned.
Comrade Carl stated "Boys, we need to appease the ladies, who are on the warpath in recent times. Beware. Write this down. All men and women are apparently born equal; the only difference between the sexes is our reproductive organs. I hope you all remember your biology lessons. Show respect to the broads. No whistling, no cat calls, don`t stare at anyone`s chest and open the door for the ladies, especially those in HR. I do not care what you do at home with your wives or sisters, but get your act together at work, kibinimat. Don't fuck with me. No questions needed. Get back to work, pronto. Spasiba."
CEO sent me a Whataspp message- `Wasn`t Carl grand``!
After Carl's speech, I gathered all the ladies who work for us in the Gertrude Bell Conference Room, and gave each one a voucher for a free manicure, OTH, which means, on the house.