Tuesday, 26 March 2019

Questionnaire- How diverse are YOU?

100% non diverse

Today was Diversity Day, and Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs our diversity plan, gave a lecture to our middle management about how to diagnose the level of diversity in each team. 

During Hugh's long, tedious, protracted lecture, the audience texted their family and friends, sending Whatsapp messages to their native homelands. When Hugh finished his talk, 69% of the nerds were sound asleep.

Hugh had prepared an online questionnaire, which I have included below, which all middle managers need to "administer to the nerds in order to determine their level of diversity". A nerd who score 5 "yes" scores is considered "very diverse"; every manager can have no more than 30 direct reports with more than a 5 score. At least that's the HR diversity goal for 2020.

1) In your native homeland, can you vote more than once in each election?
2) Are women in your homeland often murdered if they loose their virginity before they are married?
3) Are mosque and synagogue shootings frequent?
4) Do you walk around your hometown with a gun, spear or hand grenade?
5) When you speak English, do clients often ask you to repeat yourself?
6) Do you like spicy, hot food?
7) Does your native homeland have free, unfettered elections, yet most journalists are in jail?
8) Do you need to pay for sex before marriage in your homeland?
9) Does the  Field-Marshall,  King or Queen of your native land advocate flogging people who engage in some types of sexual activity?
10) Are more than 30% of politicians in your tribal homeland generals or former generals? 

Hugh sent me an email just now, after having scored the above questionnaire for all our engineers.

"Gloria, we have problem. There is no one who is not diverse except for you and me. Hugh"




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