When we are considering hiring a new candidate, be he or she an illegal immigrant or not, it is incumbent upon the sophisticated HR lady to create a user experience second to none, as it were.
As such, I will document the tools that I, as the first lady of HR, have at my disposal, and how I deploy these tools, as it were.
First and foremost, I deploy Ms Cynthia Axe to keep abreast of the candidates in the waiting room and cater to their needs by bringing coffee, tea or any other tribal refreshment they may desire.
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| Deploying Ms Axe (on the right) |
Second as they wait in line to be fingerprinted and deliver a stool sample, the candidates fill out the following questionnaire which is available in the 23 languages spoken in our software department.
1) Do you speak good English, or are you constantly being asked, "what did you say"?
2) Are you willing to work harder than you did previously, receive less pay, and remain highly engaged, including discretionary effort?
3) Do you agree with the following sentence? "Booze and sex are not weekend events that I hold in high esteem".
4) Do you consider an HR lady to be a business partner, a shoulder to cry on, and a Pharaoh to be obeyed?
5) Are you self sufficient from a wellness point of view?
6) Do you have parents or siblings or children suffering from ailments that may de-focus the work effort?
7) Are you willing to take customer calls in the toilet?
8) Do you agree that the rank and file need to do what they are told?
9) Do you like eating pizza at 2 am? Or do you whine that you get constipation?
9b) Can you work in a virtual team and feign trust?
10) Do you enjoy taking flights to client sites that leave at 3 am?
Ms Axe's presence and this questionnaire actually can cause a candidate some degree of excitement (albeit not sexual) and create an emotional bond similar to a mind-blowing user experience.
That's my two Groschen on hiring.
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