Rank your HR lady against the Gold Standard

Gold Standard HR

Since I started this blog, it appears that I have created a gold standard for the practice of Human Resources management . 
Day after day, my mail box is brim with queries regarding how to get other HR ladies to emulate me.

In line with my core values of having a core value and shameless self-promotion, I have prepared a short, agile questionnaire which will enable you to compare your HR lady with me, the Gold Standard. 
After filling out this questionnaire, your HR lady can call my hotline for elementary first aid and some (non pro bone) coaching.

1) Does my HR lady keep costs low, keep engagement high, understand the business, and worship the boss shamelessly?
2) Does my HR lady call herself a business partner, even though as far as business is concerned, she does not know her ass from her elbow?
3) Does my HR lady appear perky most days, and extremely friendly on People Day, which takes place once a quarter?
4) Does my HR lady show compassion and refrain from firing staff the very same day that they get wicked illnesses, like MS, cancer or Parkinson's?
5) Was my HR lady born in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan in Canada, know long German words, and have a mother who is 144 and teaches ballet?
6) Does my HR lady provide pizza after 23.00 (11 pm)  for nerds who need to work all night, in the framework of a wellness plan?
7) Does my HR lady provide dental insurance with after the first 5000 Euros have been paid by the affected nerd? Are substances for improving productivity included in ze health plan?
8) Does the HR lady have contacts with academics in Spain?
9) Can my HR lady understand a fierce Scottish or Thai accent?  
10) Is the HR lady warm, kind, compassionate towards management? Does she own a blockchain?

I cannot emphasize enough the fact that this is a gold standard. If your HR lady scores at least 3 answers right, it's probably good enough. If not, she should be in recruitment only, or payroll.