Making HR hours totally billable- a business model for HR

One heartbeat away

CEO Stan has been in the hospital for a few days having his hemorrhoids tied. This is not a pleasant operation; my Dad once claimed that he would rather have his eyelids stitched than to undergo 'that procedure' again.

Our Chief Financial Officer, Mister Herr Krebbs, is acting CEO. Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, claims that Herr Krebbs is 'one heartbeat away' from being CEO. Comrade Carl warned me that "if Herr Krebbs gains control by one way or another, we all fucked because he will demand obedience, as opposed to Stan- who just expects obedience. That's the difference between the Germans and the Americans".

Herr Krebbs, who is German, kalled me into his Office and asked for a detailed Plan to make sure that all HR Hours become billable. "This is the way HR works in Germany, Austria and Switzerland". 

I like Herr Krebbs. I respect him. Now that Stan is all tied up for a few days, I even obliged the good Herr Krebbs and presented to him how to turn HR's inputs into billable hours, from a revenue standpoint.

Miss Cynthia Axe, our agile down-sizer, shall charge 25 British pounds per head that she downsizes. Disposing of the aforementioned head is included in the fee if the nerd speaks English. If not, a handling fee of 21 British pound is added to the tab. These fees are deducted from the "severance pay", as it were.

Tied up

Hugh White, the white straight boy who manager Diversity, will charge each department 70 British pounds for each placement, per unit of diversity. For example, if a non English speaking, Black yet Jewish nerd with a stutter is placed, let us say, in Finance, the Finance Department gets billed 280 British pounds for that quadruple whammy of diversity.

Herr Krebbs liked the plan but told me "to focus diversity for other departments. I have enough problems with ze Banks. Danke Fraulein Gloria". 

Giving respect to Herr Krebbs