Making HR hours totally billable- a business model for HR

One heartbeat away

CEO Stan has been in the hospital for a few days having his hemorrhoids tied. This is not a pleasant operation; my Dad once claimed that he would rather have his eyelids stitched than to undergo 'that procedure' again.

Our Chief Financial Officer, Mister Herr Krebbs, is acting CEO. Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, claims that Herr Krebbs is 'one heartbeat away' from being CEO. Comrade Carl warned me that "if Herr Krebbs gains control by one way or another, we all fucked because he will demand obedience, as opposed to Stan- who just expects obedience. That's the difference between the Germans and the Americans".

Herr Krebbs, who is German, kalled me into his Office and asked for a detailed Plan to make sure that all HR Hours become billable. "This is the way HR works in Germany, Austria and Switzerland". 

I like Herr Krebbs. I respect him. Now that Stan is all tied up for a few days, I even obliged the good Herr Krebbs and presented to him how to turn HR's inputs into billable hours, from a revenue standpoint.

Miss Cynthia Axe, our agile down-sizer, shall charge 25 British pounds per head that she downsizes. Disposing of the aforementioned head is included in the fee if the nerd speaks English. If not, a handling fee of 21 British pound is added to the tab. These fees are deducted from the "severance pay", as it were.

Tied up

Hugh White, the white straight boy who manager Diversity, will charge each department 70 British pounds for each placement, per unit of diversity. For example, if a non English speaking, Black yet Jewish nerd with a stutter is placed, let us say, in Finance, the Finance Department gets billed 280 British pounds for that quadruple whammy of diversity.

Herr Krebbs liked the plan but told me "to focus diversity for other departments. I have enough problems with ze Banks. Danke Fraulein Gloria". 

Giving respect to Herr Krebbs

Travel policy for 2019

Tightening our belts

`Q1 is always a poor quarter, Gloria. We have to tighten our belts; I want you to zoom in on travel to do a little choppy choppy.` That was the Whatsapp I received from Stan this morning at 0430 AM when I awoke to begin my wellness program before heading off to work at 0450 AM.

Travel has become an awful hassle.Whenever I fly back to Canada to see my mother for the new years, I don`t know what`s worse-having her ask me why I am not yet `hitched` or the trip to and from Moose Jaw, which is in Saskatchewan, which is in Canada.

Instead of putting together my new corporate travel policy based on intuition, I gathered some data from my data mine. I own the mine, and Ms Cynthia Axe is the miner.

Here are the pertinent facts-

1) Red eye flights save hotel costs.

2) Low cost airlines can be dirt cheap, especially if they leave at 3AM.

3) Travel insurance makes no sense, unless you stipulate in the employment contract that travel insurance is charged to the employee.

4) Some countries have severe health problems, so food should be brought from home.

5) Many people, I suppose, don`t mind sleeping two in a room. And on the same note, frequent flier miles belong to the employer, not the employee as some Scandinavians would suggest.

6) Bus travel to and from airports is fun, whilst taxis tend to be expensive and not fun, since many taxi drivers do not speak English.

7) Paris airports generally are on strike. 

8) Long flights to Australia are much less expensive if port of entry is Darwin.
9) Many meal portions in the USA are so large that they last for 3 days.

10) La Guardia Aeroport is not the most popular, but eventually and over time, planes take off and land.

These are the facts, or as some brainy people would say, relevant, blockchain-based evidence for decision making. 

In the framework of my wellness program, I need to `sleep on my decisions` before firing off my policy by Whatsapp. But I promised Stan that by Sunday, the new travel policy will be ready to launch.

Btw, I am fully aware that senior management flies on Lufthansa, Singapore Airlines or Air New Zealand, first class. The travel policy is for the plebs.

Wellness Quiz authored by Gloria Ramsbottom consists of five questions

Take 5

Wellness is (sort of) one of the most important issues that an HR lady deals with, the other issues being data mining, sniffing around like a sustainable bloodhound, performance reviews, blockchains, AI and self promotion.

You cannot improve anything without measuring it-that's pretty basic, if you ask me. So drawing on my experience, my expertise and my feline instincts, I assembled the following questionnaire to provide a base line measurement of wellness.

1) Are you willing to text whilst driving when you receive a text message (or Whatapp) from your boss?

2) Are you willing to eat pizza (after 11 pm) and work all night long for 5 weeks straight in order to meet pressing deadlines and wow stretch goals?

3) Whilst relieving oneself in the toilet, are you willing and able to handle a call from an angry client?

4) Do you need to be at home to have intimate relations (aka sex) with your partner?

5) Are your parents dead yet? If they aren't, do they have enough money to care for themselves or hire a Filipino caretaker as they prepare to cross the yellow river, or are they dependant on you?

On complex organizational announcements- and stress related hallucinations

Such men are dangerous

Our chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks, was sitting in my office at 730 AM when I arrived this this morning. Were I to be living in Denmark, it still would have been dark and cold outside.

Comrade Carl had a lean and hungry look. He was gaunt, troubled and since I have olfactory capabilities of a bloodhound, I smelt a joint.

Comrade Carl told me that one of his team leaders, Ivan Ivanovitch, is moving onto a new job with better pay, valet parking, Russian food, and Danish summers. His new job starts only in 6 months so we have "breathing time" to find a replacement, perhaps in a refuges ship off the coast of Libya.

As per our CEO's request, all planned departures of engineers who speak English need to be reported to him immediately. When Stan got news of Ivanovitch's plan, he sent me a Whatsapp message, "Fire him immediately. In the six months he remains, he will form a union and spread vicious rumours about our firm. Make sure that this happens today Gloria, and put a positive spin on this. Move your bum, Gloria. Stan."

Before writing the farewell  email, I asked Comrade Carl about Ivan's family status. With all this warm data in my hand, I issued the following missive.

"With great sadness and a heavy heart, we announce the immediate departure of Comrade Ivan Ivanovitch from our midst. Ivan has worked for us for 7 months and led our acute breakdown response team. Ivan sadly is suffering from stress-related hallucinations. He will be spending time with his 4 ex wives and 15 children, both in Boston, Sudbury Ontario, Stalingrad and Marseilles, which is in France. We wish him good luck and I warn all of you not to stray close to him as he is escorted out of the building by Ms Cynthia Axe, my hench woman".

As Ivan left the building, all the Middle Eastern nerds threw rice at Ivan, except one who used a Molotov cocktail which luckily exploded in the toilet.

The first lady of HR