On complex organizational announcements- and stress related hallucinations

Such men are dangerous

Our chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks, was sitting in my office at 730 AM when I arrived this this morning. Were I to be living in Denmark, it still would have been dark and cold outside.

Comrade Carl had a lean and hungry look. He was gaunt, troubled and since I have olfactory capabilities of a bloodhound, I smelt a joint.

Comrade Carl told me that one of his team leaders, Ivan Ivanovitch, is moving onto a new job with better pay, valet parking, Russian food, and Danish summers. His new job starts only in 6 months so we have "breathing time" to find a replacement, perhaps in a refuges ship off the coast of Libya.

As per our CEO's request, all planned departures of engineers who speak English need to be reported to him immediately. When Stan got news of Ivanovitch's plan, he sent me a Whatsapp message, "Fire him immediately. In the six months he remains, he will form a union and spread vicious rumours about our firm. Make sure that this happens today Gloria, and put a positive spin on this. Move your bum, Gloria. Stan."

Before writing the farewell  email, I asked Comrade Carl about Ivan's family status. With all this warm data in my hand, I issued the following missive.

"With great sadness and a heavy heart, we announce the immediate departure of Comrade Ivan Ivanovitch from our midst. Ivan has worked for us for 7 months and led our acute breakdown response team. Ivan sadly is suffering from stress-related hallucinations. He will be spending time with his 4 ex wives and 15 children, both in Boston, Sudbury Ontario, Stalingrad and Marseilles, which is in France. We wish him good luck and I warn all of you not to stray close to him as he is escorted out of the building by Ms Cynthia Axe, my hench woman".

As Ivan left the building, all the Middle Eastern nerds threw rice at Ivan, except one who used a Molotov cocktail which luckily exploded in the toilet.

The first lady of HR