Ushering in 2019 with the First Lady of the Human Resource

Several years ago, I sent our CEO Stan to a leadership seminar during which he learnt debriefing skills; sadly he even insists on implementing them. 
Today was a good example; Stan held a senior management meeting to "usher in" the new year. Usher is a great word, by the way.

Usher

Stan wished us all health, happiness and making the numbers, not in that order. Then he asked each one of us to debrief 2018 and express wishes and desires for 2019, "in a timely manner".

Our German CFO Mister Herr Krebbs told us that in 2018 "ve did not crrreate enough cash, unt az a rezult, I got an Geschwur (ulcer). I hope zat in 2019, Comrade Karl vill release a product zat vill fill ze coffers. Danke. I'm finished speaking".

Stan thanked Herr Krebbs, then added that he should improve his English.

Then it was my turn. I reminded our leadership staff that union activity had been nipped in the bud, there are now more slogans in the air than flies near a horses bum, headcount was down and costs of labour were lower than what the Americans payed the Chinese to build the railroad. As far as 2019, I promised far more happiness to lever horsepower, and much more of the same via blockchain enablement, but far better and data-free!

Nipped 

CEO Stan told me that cost cutting has no rock bottom, and I should strive for constant improvement "like the Japanese do". 

R&D Chief Nerd and Chief Product Architect Comrade Carl Marks spoke next. The Comrade was wearing shorts and beach shoes; his T shirt was engraved with a slogan-"Let's go back to the Good Old Days" and a picture of Lenin. The comrade seized a megaphone and spoke, "The present is hard to make sense of. Our clients have become finicky and spoiled rotten. They don't know a good thing when they see one, and this casts doom upon us. Kibinimat, the average Joe is stupid. Fuck democracy;  market forces are "forces of evil'. When nothing is clear, history trumps physics as an exact science. We need to return to the days of greatness when the clients ate from the palm of our hand. But alas, HR staffs our organization with cheap 3rd world refugees and mediocre engineers. There is only so much I can do. But those of use who love Russia know that cynicism trumps mindless western optimism. Let`s drink for 2019 - and I hope Gloria will allow me to peck her cold Canadian cheek with a kiss. Spasiba."

Forward to the past

Planning our Global Christmas Party-2018

Leading my team in global challenges, daily

Planning global events like our Christmas party presents a challenge, even to the most skilled HR lady, she or he. This year is no axe-ception.

Ms Cynthia Axe, our downsizer, and Mister Hugh White, the white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, sat with me all morning planning the Christmas event.

Ms Axe appeared somewhat agitated during the meeting because she will be spending the holidays visiting her father, the Reverend Oliver Axe. 

I noticed that Hugh White had a book with him,  "The Joys of Celibacy", which is understandable since Hugh and his wife Ludmilla have seen happier days.

Celibacy

Four major challenges faced our planning team.

1) 87% of our nerds have ancestry which is not aligned with celebrating Christmas. Miss Axe happened to mutter, "we are in America, so they should do it our way". Hugh White , always the diplomat, said we need to respect everyone.

2) One day before the Christmas party, we are downsizing 2% of our staff, and another 2% as well, making that 4 %. Our estimation is that this is not a big issue, simply business as usual. But we will "factor this in" by providing more alcoholic beverages.

Burning issues

3) Our CEO, Stan, has asked that the party take place in a room without chairs, meaning we all have eat standing up. Stan's hemorrhoids are flaming again, and he wants to avoid being the only one who eats standing on his feet. He also asked to "cut back on the spicy food, for Christ sake". Hugh White noted that the only food that our nerds eat is spicy, 88% of the time, which shows I am data driven.

4) Our Finance Team, headed by Mister Herr Krebbs, has hired lady 2 accountants from Spain, both of whom wear glasses. Their names are too long to mention. They have asked that supper be served at 11 pm. Hugh explained that the Spanish have "different digestive systems, and we need to respect this.

Gloria and Miss Axe

Unleashing the power of people analytics -using both blockchain and hard evidence

Only the best

“Gloria, the board is concerned about that fact that after receiving a green card, a great many nerds leave our company. This reflects very poorly on both HR and your personal standing. We have a board meeting on Wednesday to thrash out this issue. Prepare your way to wiggle out of this mess, or make a plan to return home to Canada on a one way ticket, in economy class. Thanks and have a good day. CEO Stan”

Reading the above email at 2 pm today changed my schedule. I had planned to go to Pilates at 4 pm and then have my hair done, so I shuffled my timetable. I went to Pilates at 420 pm and thereafter to the hairdresser.

The question may be asked, fairly enough, what I did within 20 minutes? Well, the answer is that I put on my thinking cap and came up with an answer for the board. Then, I emailed Stan the following e-missive and backed up the email with a Whatsapp and text.

Dear Stan,

I worship the ground that you walk on. You are my leader and you deserve only the best. Since I am the best, as it were, here is my retort for the board.

Since too much data is confusing, I have tried to make everything simple, as behooves our board, whom you have in the past referred to as “a bunch of fucking hacks.”

Let’s take three years, 2007, 2019 and 2031, the latter being based on artificial projective intelligence. The average nerd stayed in our company 2 years after receiving a green card. Not included in this statistic are nerds from countries without airports, and nerds whose native language is not English.  I would like to remind you that some green cards are confiscated for safekeeping in the HR safe before delivery, so please “factor this in”.

So, all in all, I don’t see any problem whatsoever from an HR perspective. 

If you want to chat with me, just send me a Whatsapp, text me, or call me, or all three.

Gloria

Prepares for Wednesday meeting