Sunday, 5 November 2017

How to deal with male employees staring at breasts

Enough is enough


The daughter of preacher Oliver Axe is Ms Cynthia Axe, who happens to be my chief down-sizer. Her formal title is the Head of Early-Bird Retirement Program. 
The aforementioned high strung, Causacian Ms Axe stormed into my office with tears in her eyes. "The AI and big-data  nerds in Comrade Carl's engineering team are looking at my breasts every time I walk by in the halls; this needs to end Gloria. If you don't put an end to it, I will litigate against the company, and you will be out on your ass. I don't have to tolerate this shit any more. This is not Hollywood, and I ain't no starlet who needs to fuck her way to the top." 
Ms Axe tends to be emotional at times.

This subject has been in the news recently. By this subject, I am not referring to Ms Axe's breasts, but rather to the issue of sexual harassment. In the British parliament, the markets of Cairo, the buses of India, Channel 10 and the cubicles of our company, this issue poses a great challenge for the average HR lady.

I am NOT however the average HR lady. I am the first lady of HR. And as such, I marched into Comrade Carl's office and demanded that corrective action be taken pronto,  immediately.
The Comrade agreed, in line with our core value of avoiding litigation at all costs. 
Comrade Carl pick up his megaphone and summoned all nerds into the 'Agile Blockchain Conference Room'.

When all the nerds were all assembled, Comrade Carl invited me to the stage. He said, "Boys, kibinimat, turn off your mobiles and blockchains and listen to me. Our first lady of HR, Miss Gloria, told me that instead of looking at your computer screens, you blokes have been looking at Cynthia Axe's knockers. This is shameful, so I have asked Gloria to address this forum to knock some sense into your stupid God damn heads. But before she talks, I warn you guys, that the next guy I see looking at Axe's front end will be fired."

As Comrade Carl handed me the mike, he whispered in my ear, "now you owe me a favor, Gloria. By the way, Gloria, you have a great set of legs".

Tabernak, what a job.

Against all forms of harassment
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