Wednesday, 23 November 2016

How to sell a poorly defined product?

One step ahead of the game

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, surprised us all towards the end of our senior leadership team meeting. Addressing CEO Stan, the comrade said, "may I ask the honourable Gloria Ramsbottom from Human Resources a question of great interest to all of us?" 
Before Stan even answered, Comrade Carl said, "Our next release is in 2019; where the fuck is the Sales Force for this amazing product, kibinimat"? CEO Stan told Carl to watch his language yet looked at me and said "Answer that question Gloria." 

Always on my toes, I pointed out that due to product deficiencies, the shelf time of a salesperson in our company is 6 weeks. And I reminded the comrade that the new product has not been funded, or defined. As a matter of fact, many would say that our currently available product has not been defined.

The Comrade was frothing at the mouth, swearing at me in Russian. I gave him a Xanax and he drank it down with some brandy. Then the Comrade said, "I have already prepared a job definition for the role. Send it to head hunters, post it on social media, and put an ad in the South China Morning Daily and Haaretz."

The comrade is known to read foreign newspapers.

Carl plugged in his laptop and displayed the job description.

An exciting dynamic company with phenomenal growth potential is looking for a hypo-manic , semi delusional sales person who knows how to bribe agents, blow smoke up customers' behinds and support positive decision making in positive ambiguity. Must be able to understand poor English as a foreign language.

CEO Stan told me, "Take the ball and run Gloria, using Comrade Carl's platform". 
Our German CFO, Herr Krebs, added, "Ja, gut. Ve need more refenu (revenue). Ve cannot keep milking inwestors like cows".

Run vit de ball

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