How to sell a poorly defined product?

One step ahead of the game

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, surprised us all towards the end of our senior leadership team meeting. Addressing CEO Stan, the comrade said, "may I ask the honourable Gloria Ramsbottom from Human Resources a question of great interest to all of us?" 

Before Stan even answered, Comrade Carl said, "Our next release is in 2019; where the fuck is the Sales Force for this amazing product, kibinimat"? CEO Stan told Carl to watch his language yet looked at me and said "Answer that question Gloria." 

Always on my toes, I pointed out that due to product deficiencies, the shelf time of a salesperson in our company is 6 weeks. And I reminded the comrade that the new product has not been funded, or defined. As a matter of fact, many would say that our currently available product has not been defined.

The Comrade was frothing at the mouth, swearing at me in Russian. I gave him a Xanax and he drank it down with some brandy. Then the Comrade said, "I have already prepared a job definition for the role. Send it to head hunters, post it on social media, and put an ad in the South China Morning Daily and Haaretz."

The comrade is known to read foreign newspapers.

Carl plugged in his laptop and displayed the job description.

Wanted-

An exciting dynamic company with phenomenal growth potential is looking for a hypo-manic , semi delusional sales person who knows how to bribe agents, blow smoke up customers' behinds and support positive decision making in positive ambiguity. Must be able to understand poor English as a foreign language.

CEO Stan told me, "Take the ball and run Gloria, using Comrade Carl's platform". 
Our German CFO, Herr Krebs, added, "Ja, gut. Ve need more refenu (revenue). Ve cannot keep milking inwestors like cows".

Run vit de ball

What legacy should an HR leader leave behind

My legacy

It is only natural that senior leaders often ponder what legacy they will leave behind when they get retire or get axed. I have thought about this as well, although let's be honest, no one is going to kick me out.

I am a practical gal and I value brevity as well, from an HR perspective. So here is the essence of my expected legacy-

1) HR is involved in every single decision; no one should take a dump without HR signing off. Sorry about  being crude, but my Dad used to use that "dump" term all the time. My Mom used to get very angry when he said that. But it did not deter him, ciboire, Mais non! 

2)  Slogan usage by the masses increases exponentially. I was never good in math, but I do know that exponential is a good thing. Much better than incremental, from an HR perspective. Ultimately, the word data should appear in most slogans.

3) The HR leader sits right next to the CEO at the management table, which is made of mahogany. At times, they smile at one another during strategic discussions and exchange messages by Whatapp.

Btw, I have achieved 97% of my legacy. But Stan our CEO does not use Whatsapp. (Stan read that Danes don`t use Whatsapp, and that`s why they are all so happy).

The Trump Era-dealing with illegal employees

Justice has been served, kibinimat

Our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks sent me a Whatsapp message today. "Gloria, I am delighted that Trump has been elected. Kibinimat, justice has been served. However, we have 90 nerds working for us who are illegal immigrants; my guess is that they will be booted out. 70 are named Svetlana, 98% don't speak English, and all of them are cheap labour. Please deal with this so that we can meet our deadlines. Spasiba (which means merci)  and with love-Comrade Carl.  PS You are a great gal!".

Just last week, Comrade Carl told me that Clinton helped disassemble Libya whilst "Trump's  wife is a piece of ass". My Dad always used that expression, but not when describing Mom. 

The comrade did admit that Trump " needs a brain transplant, but they are too expensive in the USA, kibinimat." 

Comrade Carl sure left me with the dirty end of the stick as far as these illegals are concerned. So I sent a Whatsapp to the straight white boy who heads Diversity, Hugh White. I asked for some big data and recommendations.

Hugh sent me the following Whatsapp: "80% of the illegal immigrants are straight. 8% of the Vlads speak both Ukrainian and Russian. 100% of the illegals are illegal, from a legal point of view. 19 of the illegals take Cipralex."

Hugh has been working for me for years and uses "point of view" quite often. Hugh continued, "As far as what to do, I defer to your judgement. Tak. Hugh."

Tak