Sunday, 7 February 2016

Zika Virus means change to Travel and Wellness Procedures

A firms' health is a firms wealth, so to speak

Our CEO Stan is very mindful of health issues. Suffering as he does from hemorrhoids, there is always a jar of Preparation H on his desk, next to a picture of his dear Wifey.

Stan is very worried about the Zika virus and its impact on the "bottom" line, not in the sense of hemorrhoids. "Gloria, all our sales activity  takes place in the third world. No one in the developed world will ever buy our product until it is more stable, not even Sweden which tends to be liberal to the point of self destruction. So, as my HR business partner, please ensure that sales activity (including travel to South America) goes on as usual whilst the firm is perceived as caring about health". 

I was about to leave the room  when Stan added, "Gloria, send me risk analysis based on big data about the number of skillful nerds who are single and live in all the shit holes where the Zika  virus is rampant". 

Heavens, I thought to myself, but then got control of my emotions, in line with my core values of  self control and HR business partnership. 
I dutifully updated our TWP (travel and wellness policy) with the following 5 items: 

1) Sexual activity is frowned upon in the next few quarters, unless it takes place in Canada, the US, Britain, France or Denmark.
2) Travel to central and South America can be dangerous, unless you pick up some mosquito lotion  at the pharmacy. There is a pharmacy on Route 93, with whom we have negotiated a discount. Call the HR hotline, and press DZ for details. DZ stands for Discount for Zika.
3) Nerds who were graded "exceeds expectations" are invited to send us their home address, and HR will send mosquito repellent and some prophylactics, just in the case the urge is overwhelming.
4) HR supports health and wellness. Stan truly does care et il sait faire, which rhymes.
5) Anyone who wants big data on our stretch goals, press SG.

HR, at your service; RH, a votre service.

I should spend less time on urgent matters

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