Friday, 29 January 2016

A serene and mindful HR robot, and my panic attack

Replacing Gloria with a machine

My mindfulness coach shocked the living daylights out of me yesterday. If you examine his credentials, this is not hard to understand. He used to sell worms (les vers)  to fisherman near Ste Agathe, after which he became Mr Mindfulness de Nord (of the North). His prices are very attractive and I was his first client.

Gloria, he said to me (in French on Skype), "close your eyes, and imagine that an agile Swiss robot replaces you; you then get married and have children, not necessarily in that order. Peux-tu imaginer? How do you feel?"

I had a panic attack, in the positive sense of the word. My lower back ached and I downed 3 cheeseburgers and poutine, along with 4 diet cokes. I ended the call and told him I had network problems.

Then, composing myself, I went home and composed the following email to our CEO Stan.

Dear Stan,
Thank you for having decided to replace me with a Danish robot who does not even speak French.
All I need is a few years to prepare the robot to take my place, and wean all the management off my HR business partnership.
Because when I leave, for all of you it will be like detoxing from Cipralex 20 mg, which I have never done. 
You will get the shakes, anxiety, insomnia  and feel a deep sense of loss.
In 2026, year of the horse, the robot will be ready to go as SVP HR. I will support the Swedish robot until s/he feels comfortable, but for no less than ten years, at $450 a hour, beginning in 2027.
Merci
Gloria



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