Friday, 12 February 2016

I am taking 5 minute webinar on neuroscience and HR

Adapt or die

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, gave a charismatic presentation in our senior management meeting today. I love senior leadership meetings, because they make me feel that HR is more than just people.

The goal of his presentation was to have been "the challenges of outsourcing key capabilities to non English speaking nerds", but the Comrade explained that due to conceptual constraints, he would address "another more pertinent issue, ie how HR is lagging behind in user experience due to lack of knowledge in neuroscience". 

Our CEO Stan did not make any comment on Carl's change of agenda. As of late, Stan is behind in his work. By mistake, Stan brought his jar of Preparation H to the serene mahogany table around which we have our senior management meeting.

Carl spoke for 5 hours using a slide pack of 387 power point slides.

Although my key core value is brevity,  I cannot sum up all what Comrade Carl talked about, because I was texting my sister during the meeting and lost focus. But I will provide some juicy quotes.

1) We all agree that modern neuroscience has made it clear that software nerds do not give a rat's ass about the product that they are developing, rather they care just about the code that they are writing. So we need to stop all these HR engagement programs and create a better ux.

2) The modern brain has 8 main bones. So why are our HR processes and procedures brainless? What good are these bones without a brain, from an engineers' perspective? 

3) Neuroscience findings and common sense clearly show that clients don't need to be satisfied via ux. They need to take what they are given, and be charged for changes in functionality and operability. Therefore, HR needs to change the culture away from customer satisfaction.

During the presentation, Stan left the room 5 times and remained standing during most of the meeting. When the comrade finished. Stan said, "that's impressive Comrade Carl, but is this a manifestation of true leadership on your part? Jesus H Christ Carl, why doesn't our fucking product work?"

What I like most about our management meetings is that quality of WiFi which allows me to text constantly. 

I will sign up for a short five minute wow webinar on neuroscience. 

Follow me @gramsbottom

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