Private Communication in working hours

What are people doing during work hours, for Christ's sake

If you ask me, there are two subjects that senior HR managers should avoid: travel policy and private communication in working hours. 

As far as travel policy is concerned, this hot potato is best owned by Finance. When Finance acts like a cop, HR becomes the shoulder you can cry on, even though I should have written "becomes the shoulder upon which you can cry".

Yet the travel issue is a piece of cake (gateau) as opposed to the issue of private communication in working hours. 

Stan our CEO sent me a Whatsapp, BBM and Google Hangout message today which read "find out how much time people are wasting during working hours, who are the major offenders, what are they are talking about and how HR will  plug the holes. Stan"

Without panicking I ran into our HR data warehouse and sat down with Halid, an illegal immigrant who was recruited to run the data warehouse. Halid did NOT look at me in a lusty fashion because he is gay. (HR hired Halid in line with 2 core values, social responsibility and diversity).

After I explained to young Halid what concerns Stan, Halid told me that all the data is readily available. Halid used to work for the Syrian Government in Internal Intelligence, as per Hugh White, my Diversity Manager. (Hugh is White and straight).

Halid explained that 102% of our employees are on Facebook and/or Twitter 75% of the time. The average employee sends 65876 texts a day, about .002%  are work related. 
Halid went on to inform me that Comrade Carl Marks, our R&D chief nerd, happens to be very conscientious and refrains from social media and private texting. Halid asked me if Comrade Carl is German!
However, "HR appears to be a major offender. "Gloria", said Halid, "walla, don't you ever stop texting your sister and boyfriends?"

I am not against hiring illegal immigrants, but they certainly should know their place. My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say. "I have no problem with Canada taking in illegal immigrants but they should become Canadian, or stay home, wherever the f--k they call home". Dad had a temper sometimes.

I asked Halid if he would ever want to go home to old Damascus, perhaps next week. Just for a week or so. 

Halid quickly told me that for some reason, there has been a crash and all the data in the warehouse relating to private communication has been deleted. I hired a private agency to check on Halid, in line with my core value of worshiping Angela Merkel up to a point.

Halid is now my favourite employee, in line with my core value of shifting alliances.

Shifting alliances