Monday, 2 November 2015

The latent religious beliefs that support the HR profession

Chief Big Data Nerd Comrade Carl Marks invited me to attend the weekly meeting of his nerds. 
Carl kissed me when I entered the room. He smelt like he had just smoked a joint and had a glass of vodka next to him on the podium. 
This is what he had to say:
On religion and HR
“Nerds, I want to give you a few mission-critical messages today. 
So turn off your god damn cell phones and listen to me, kibinimat. And if the nerd next to you falls asleep, wake him or her up. These messages of mine are big data.
“Religion grabs people by the balls and then controls what they eat. All religions are the same, and each religion is worse than the other. That’s the first point. 
Secondly, clients and leadership are like religious beliefs. They want to promise happiness in the next life. But we all know that there is no next life. 
And worse, the primitive clients who complain about our software lack sophistication and savvy, much like the arrogant and righteous priests, imams and rabbis who screw us all over day and night.
However...
I want you to all know that HR is worse than religion and clients lumped together. Because HR would have us all believe that they are here to take care of us.  And they don’t. They screw us with procedures and rules and drown us in slogans. Why are we all working so hard?  Because of HR! HR cannot recruit a loyal Cossack to the Russian army. They cannot locate a posh Englishman reading the Times of London on a tube at Oxford Station. They cannot find a Dane who likes to eat herring. HR cannot find a Frenchman on holiday in August. HR is useless. Poshel na hui.
Now as you can see, I have invited Gloria to this meeting. On a personal level, I love Gloria. She is salt of the earth. Sodium is bad for you, but you get used to it. I got used to Gloria, but she must transfer all HR duties to IT or legal. If you ask me, all you need for HR is an “enter” button, or a member of the KGB, CIA or Mossad.”
That was the end of the meeting. 
My Dad always told me “never expect your internal customer to kiss your bum”.
HR is not a cup of tea

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