|Against all odds|
Banging his shoes on the mahogany table of our senior leadership team, Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks (who takes 20 mg of Lexapro to stabilize his mood) shouted: “Poshel na hui, either HR hires 20 fresh big data and IoT nerds to deliver the next software release on time, or we will need to pay a hefty default fine of over $2 million dollars due to our 3rd rate legal team which HR hired”.
CEO Stan had enforced a freeze on headcount a month ago, as well as asking his HR business partner (c’est moi) to trim off the “excess fat” from our payroll, to the tune of 80 employees. Yet Stan knows that if we will need to pay the default fine, his position as CEO will be as tenuous as the French language in global business. Stan looked worried.
Comrade Carl called out to me in his feigned Russian accent, “Gloria, in the same way that I develop world class software against all odds, HR needs to simultaneously downsize, hire and preserve engagement and trust, unless all you ladies of HR want to get yourselves fired. What is your solution, kibinimat?”
CEO Stan called his Wife, Wifey, put her on the loudspeaker, and then said to me, “Gloria, what’s the plan?”
Cool as a cucumber, I replied, “As business partner, HR will migrate into the domain of virtual reality, whereby nerds are fired in reality yet continue to work for us in the domain of virtual reality. This postmodern approach is agile, flexible, global, sustainable, evidence and data driven”. Mais oui. The fully Monty.
Wifey said over the loud speaker, “that sounds very interesting Gloria. Is this a Scandinavian approach? How does that work”?
Ever since Wifey started buying furniture at Ikea, she tends to align “progress” with “Scandinavia”.
I promised that “the moment that Comrade Carl provides job descriptions for the fresh nerds he want to on-board, the HR team will “transition” to the concrete plan of virtual reality. As a matter of fact, I have delegated the practical aspects of this task to Ms Cynthia Axe, my vigorous down-sizer”.