Uber HR manager

Nice package

Our CEO's better half and I have lunch once a month, in line with my core values of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". 
Today was the day! Wifey had vegetables with a tahini dip, and I had a some rye bread and herring.

During lunch, Wifey told me that "the more I read about French labour law, the more I respect them. They never ever fire staff and when they do, management never sends them home empty handed. Being fired in France has a unique user experience, just like in liberal Scandinavia!" 

Wifey then suggested that I try to introduce this practice into our company by the end of the week. "After all Gloria, you come from a very socialist country yourself." Wifey was referring to Canada.

I guess that I should have consulted with Ms Axe and Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs diversity, about how to "process" Wifey's comments. But every time I do consult them, I get added negative value. If you ask me, all HR managers need to learn to feign interest in their lackeys'  input.

After thinking the matter through for 5 minutes, I updated Wifey that all employees over 60 whom we axe will get any two of the following 5 items, as long as they have 40 years seniority.

1-a hat with the embroidered  emblem of our firm

2-a map of Klaksvik 

3-this autographed black and white picture of Ms Axe and me.

4-a voucher for a day tour  of Raqqa 

Wifey texted me, "Gloria, you outdid yourself; you are an Uber HR manager".

Improve User Experience via Digital Detox

Client focus

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd whose has recently changed his job title to VP of Technological Excellence and User Experience, explained to the leadership team how our clients provide feedback about their experience with our new software product release.

Carl’s exacts words were, “50% of our clients don’t know their ass from their elbow, 78% use Whatsapp to ask for tier 1 support 4 times a day instead of using common sense, and 25% have no complaints whatsoever, because they are on the take”.

Comrade Carl pulled out a flask on brandy, offered us all a drink, and continued. (My readers may want to note that I did not drink anything in line with my core value of sobriety and total control.)

And Carl continued, “If our clients were to undergo digital detox or smoke a joint, our experience of their user experience would improve drastically. ”

CEO Stan, who had been texting his wife stopped Carl in his tracks. “Comrade Carl, what kind of bullshit is that? Digital detox for users-are you fucking crazy Carl? Are your medications balanced?”

Comrade Carl looked me in the eyes, after first looking at my legs. “Gloria, Stan's ignorance is an HR problem. I know for a fact that client-focused digital detox eliminates a false sense of urgency that clients may experience. Just "go to work on Stan" to change his mind, kibinimat.” Then Carl walked out of the room, singing a ditty in Russian, Tsupchik.

If you ask me, I do know that the sophisticated  French are way ahead of the pack on digital detox. Perhaps I can put together a solution, in line with my core value of  "HR as solution architect.”

My Dad always used to use the term “ahead of the pack”, when he was referring to me.

Virtual Reality Toolkit for HR and Big Data Professionals

Against all odds

Banging his shoes on the mahogany table of our senior leadership team, Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks (who takes 20 mg of Lexapro to stabilize his mood) shouted: “Poshel na hui, either HR hires 20 fresh big data and IoT nerds to deliver the next software release on time, or we will need to pay a hefty default fine of over $2 million dollars due to our 3^rd rate legal team which HR hired”.

CEO Stan had enforced a freeze on headcount a month ago, as well as asking his HR business partner (c’est moi) to trim off the “excess fat” from our payroll, to the tune of 80 employees. Yet Stan knows that if we will need to pay the default fine, his position as CEO will be as tenuous as the French language in global business. Stan looked worried.

Comrade Carl called out to me in his feigned Russian accent, “Gloria, in the same way that I develop world class software against all odds, HR needs to simultaneously downsize, hire and preserve engagement and trust, unless all you ladies of HR want to get yourselves fired. What is your solution, kibinimat?”

CEO Stan called his Wife, Wifey, put her on the loudspeaker, and then said to me, “Gloria, what’s the plan?”

Cool as a cucumber, I replied, “As business partner, HR will migrate into the domain of virtual reality, whereby nerds are fired in reality yet continue to work for us in the domain of virtual reality. This postmodern approach is agile, flexible, global, sustainable, evidence and data driven”. Mais oui. The fully Monty.

Wifey said over the loud speaker, “that sounds very interesting Gloria. Is this a Scandinavian approach? How does that work”?

Ever since Wifey started buying furniture at Ikea, she tends to align “progress” with “Scandinavia”.

I promised that “the moment that Comrade Carl provides job descriptions for the fresh nerds he want to on-board, the HR team will “transition” to the concrete plan of virtual reality. As a matter of fact, I have delegated the practical aspects of this task to Ms Cynthia Axe, my vigorous  down-sizer”.

Comrade Carl, never one to be fooled, retorted that “you will get virtual job descriptions within a week, Gloria. Jesus Christ, you have nice legs.”

Legs and virtual reality