Holacracy needs 4 minor changes to be perfect

Against

Comrade Carl sat beside me at lunch today. He was wearing a T shirt that said, "Holacracy is Apple Pie and Ice Cream, but do not too get fat, kibinimat". 
Carl has asked all his IoT and big data  nerds to wear the same T shirt and claimed that this is about to happen.

Readers of this blog know that Comrade Carl Marks often uses the term "kibinimat", which is a Russian cuss word. My dad, Pierre Elliot said that ladies should not cuss, but that was years ago back in Canada. Kibinimat is parallel to the French Canadian word "ciboire", although they mean different things. Wow, I am quite the intellectual!

Since I have been so very busy mastering the Internet of Things/Big Data, I fell behind on the holacracy issues. Never one to show weakness, I asked Comrade Carl what his "cut" was on holacracy. I love the word cut, from an HR point of view.

"Gloria, kibinimat that is a good question! Holacracy takes the very best of nihilism and bureaucracy and rolls them into one gestalt. (That is a German word). 

Carl the spoke for 45 minutes about holacracy, throwing in about 35% of the terms he used in Russian, which I don't understand yet. The Comrade then asked me how I see the "HR role in a Holacracy".

I told Comrade Carl that "it sound exciting", and I would add 4 modifications from an HR perspective:

a-a chain of command

b-ensure HR is the process czar

c-ensure that each circle has an HR business partner.

d-be mindful that the  life span of holacracy is linked to the ability of Greece to service its debt.

Carl told me, "Christ Gloria, you are one smart lady. You could have been a politruk in the Russian Army. Politruk is an educational officer, somewhat like a spokesman. 

However, I do not plan to learn Russian yet. Danish is next.

Modifying holacracy

3 reasons why big data and IoT nerds need digital detox NOW

Comrade Carl, Chief Nerd, is Against Digital Detox

CEO Stan installed video cameras in the open space of the Internet of Things and Big Data teams, in line with our core values of trust-building. 

Stan defined the  mission statement for the cameras as "discovering what the nerds do all day, because they sure ain't delivering products that our clients use". 

When I purchased the video cams, I avoided the term surveillance in the ERP software purchase order.

This morning, CEO Stan texted me to come his office. The walk from my office to his takes 5 seconds. After 3 seconds, I received a second text saying, "Hurry up Gloria for Christ's sake." 
I correctly assumed than Stan was upset. As HR manager, I use both big data and feline instinct to prepare myself.

"Gloria", he said as I entered his office, "I want to you confiscate all smartphones in R&D, and ensure that Comrade's Carl's nerds undergo digital detox within 48 hours!" Stan sees HR's police role as a major component of HR business partnership.

To justify his request, Stan showed me 3 sections of video camera from the last week.

• Scene one shows all the nerds listening to a podcast on their smartphones in which Comrade Carl explains, "boys, paying for sex is cheaper than not paying for sex".

• Scene two shows big data  nerds texting their families back home as they write code. Sanjay from Bangalore was texting on 3 phones in 6 languages. Ivan Ivanovitch from the Ukraine was texting on 5 phones. And the argumentative Israeli nerd Nadav was speaking on 2 phones and texting on 8! (Lisl the German nerd only had one phone.)

• Scene three shows Comrade Carl addressing all the nerds by Whatsapp video clip on how to escape video surveillance of the "the leadership pigs".  Comrade Carl compared Stan and HR to western bankers, "out to screw the average guy like you and me, like they are doing in Greece".

Out of character, Stan told me to use a French detox vendor, "because the French are good at infrastructure projects". My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say the same thing!

Boeuf? Copper?

3 ways to easily eliminate software bugs

Haircut for our software bugs?

Our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks held an "all hands" meeting following the decision to resolve the Greek debt crisis. The moment that Comrade Carl read the news that the crisis was "water under the bridge on the Danube" , he took out his megaphone and  herded his motley troops into the "Comrade General Zhukov Conference Room".

Behind Carl on a huge screen was a chart listing the 48,955 software bugs, 45% of which impact client revenue. The chart was in Russian, Chinese, Urdu, Tamil, Hindi, Hebrew and German. Yes, we have a new nerd named Lisl from Munich.

And then Carl spoke:

Kibinimat, I demand that 30% of this software bug list be administratively reduced, while another 43% of the bugs be re-branded as features.

If the Greeks can do it, so can we. 

Let's all rebel against the list of bugs, and topple HR while we are at it. We have 4 good arguments on our side-

1. The bugs are defined by clients who lack sophistication. 
2. The bugs' impact  are amplified due to sommerloch.
3. These clients have add no real value to the technology supply chain.
4. Kibinimat, we need to innovate and not focus on satisfaction. That's HR and Sales' role.

Then Comrade Carl pointed at me and said, "Gloria is the greatest, but she should dismantle HR and go back to Canada, kibinimat".

All the nerds stood up and applauded. Many of these nerds did not understand the Comrade's speech, but nevertheless support his leadership, despite what is written in wimpy management articles.

6 attributes of high performing nerds

6 attributes

Hugh White, the white straight lad who manages Diversity, sent an email to all managers in the company. He put me on cc without clearing the content of the email with me beforehand. 

This is not in line with my core HR values of "total control".
HR loves control, just like religion likes interfering in your sex life or what you eat, as it were.

In the email, Hugh wrote, "Here are the top six attributes of our high performing big data and cloud based nerds".

1-poor oral English language skills; 40% incomprehensible in con-calls

2-eat tribal or ethnic food at lunch

3-prefer hard work to work-life balance

4-worship my boss Gloria Ramsbottom, EVP HR-and gossip about her personal life

5-own 3 smartphones and text all the time to their families whilst writing code

6-have exotic passports deposited in HR for safekeeping (Ukraine, Faroe Islands, Taiwan, Israel, China, India)

CEO Stan texted me a message, "Gloria, how much do you pay Hugh White, for Christ's sake. Are we diversity compliant"? (Stan and I use Whatsapp).

As far as Hugh White' email is concerned, my Dad, Pierre Elliot used to tell my brothers Frank and Ernest when they teased me, "if you tease my poor Gloria again, I'll tan your lily white hides". I plan to have such a conversation with uppity Hugh because of his email initiative.