Wednesday, 15 July 2015

3 reasons why big data and IoT nerds need digital detox NOW

Comrade Carl, Chief Nerd, is Against Digital Detox

CEO Stan installed video cameras in the open space of the Internet of Things and Big Data teams, in line with our core values of trust-building. 
Stan defined the  mission statement for the cameras as "discovering what the nerds do all day, because they sure ain't delivering products that our clients use". 
When I purchased the video cams, I avoided the term surveillance in the ERP software purchase order.

This morning, CEO Stan texted me to come his office. The walk from my office to his takes 5 seconds. After 3 seconds, I received a second text saying, "Hurry up Gloria for Christ's sake." 
I correctly assumed than Stan was upset. As HR manager, I use both big data and feline instinct to prepare myself.

"Gloria", he said as I entered his office, "I want to you confiscate all smartphones in R&D, and ensure that Comrade's Carl's nerds undergo digital detox within 48 hours!" Stan sees HR's police role as a major component of HR business partnership.

To justify his request, Stan showed me 3 sections of video camera from the last week.
  • Scene one shows all the nerds listening to a podcast on their smartphones in which Comrade Carl explains, "boys, paying for sex is cheaper than not paying for sex".
  • Scene two shows big data  nerds texting their families back home as they write code. Sanjay from Bangalore was texting on 3 phones in 6 languages. Ivan Ivanovitch from the Ukraine was texting on 5 phones. And the argumentative Israeli nerd Nadav was speaking on 2 phones and texting on 8! (Lisl the German nerd only had one phone.)
  • Scene three shows Comrade Carl addressing all the nerds by Whatsapp video clip on how to escape video surveillance of the "the leadership pigs".  Comrade Carl compared Stan and HR to western bankers, "out to screw the average guy like you and me, like they are doing in Greece".
Out of character, Stan told me to use a French detox vendor, "because the French are good at infrastructure projects". My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say the same thing!

Boeuf? Copper?

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