Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Invented tradition

Coffee with Carl
Comrade Carl Marks invited me and CEO Stan to an all hands meeting with his big data and internet of things nerds in the Joseph Stalin Meeting Room.

In what was defined as a pep talk geared at better engagement, the comrade spoke about the massive success of our latest recent software releases, "which have hordes of happy users all over the world. No one matches our functionality and user interface experience. If the clients lack sophistication, it needs to be handled by Sales. So, keep up the good work, and if HR does not pay you properly, I will organize a union, kibinimat."

Stan whispered in my ear. "Gloria, are Comrade Carl's medications balanced?" I whispered back that I assume that they are, in line with my core values of  purveying good news. 

Carl's nerds texted and mumbled during his presentation, since few of them speak English. But when Carl finished, his nerds clapped their hands for 20 minutes and threw rice at him, which is a middle east tradition, I am told. 

Comrade Carl invited Stan and me to coffee after his all hands meeting. As we downed our cappuccinos, Stan told Carl that he was a bullshit artist saying "we never have had one positive comment from a client about our products in a decade. Your claim is spurious". (Stan's native language is English, not Hindi, Russian, Ukrainian, Polish, Hebrew or Danish).

Comrade Carl looked at Stan and said, "Stan, you are a Yank with tunnel vision. Who gives a rats ass about reality? We need to instill an invented tradition. And HR is not sophisticated enough to do the job, so I am shouldering the responsibility, zenga zenga! Christ Stan, when will Gloria and her shabby HR team shape up!"

Invented tradition

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