Wednesday, 12 November 2014

My Achilles Heel, as it were, appears to be Recruitment

Dear Gloria

To: Gloria Ramsbottom HR
CC: CEO Stan, Cynthia Axe
BCC: Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Svetlana, Svetlana


My dear Comrade Gloria, (VP of the so-called HR function)

You look great today. No one has legs like yours, Gloria. And don't think I do not notice your new posh British accent. Together with your mastery of big data, you are the cats' pyjamas, my dear Canadian comrade.

Nevertheless, in a spirit of comradeship, here are my supportive comments on level of substandard recruitment support that my heroic R&D department engineers get from the ladies of HR.

My beloved engineers say that too many worthy candidates are turned down, for no reason, kibinimat. That explains all of our schedule slips. I can back this up with 2 truckloads of big data.

I spoke to 7 engineers to get input-Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Natalie, Svetlana and Svetlana, all of whom expressed disgust at the need to impress the young and brainless HR clerk, Ms Cynthia Axe who, "could not get a job even in the Moscow subway as a homeless beggar," to quote one of the Vlads

One of the two Svetlanas claimed that "all the recruiters have the same arrogant attitude, because they themselves have the shittiest  job that there is, and thus they are so vindictive."

I want to inform you that we do not need recruitment services any longer. I have empowered my team to use social media, cronyism and friendships to beef up our engine power.

Spasiba for reading this missive.

Comrade Carl Marks




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