Saturday, 15 November 2014

Our clients could be as happy as pigs in shit, claims Comrade Carl Marks

Ladies of HR

To: Gloria, HR; Juliette; Sales, Stan, CEO
From: Comrade Carl Marks
Bcc: Big data cloud

Gloria and Juliette,

Lay off critiquing out great product.You two ladies simply don't get it. And believe me, I respect women in business. Enough is enough and poshel na hui!

We have just done 50 hours of testing on our new product. The results show that most of the so called bugs often disappear after a fairly simple reboot. However, our clients lack sophistication and the level of customer service we supply is a disaster.

Now, let’s cope with this as a team to get to the two root cause of our issues.

1) Juliette’s sales team cannot sell lemonade on a hot beach. The sales folks wine, dine and womanize and the results are 0, zilch, nada. Our product is a pearl yet the sales folks don’t know how to explain the added value of our technology.

2) The ladies of HR cannot recruit a loyal Russian to the Red Army. HR dilly dallies with procedures, nickel and dimes the staff, and tries to prevent unionization, which would serve us all well. If HR were to hire and train 4 service engineers who speak Albanian, Thai and Russian, our clients would be as happy as pigs in shit. Instead, HR floats slogans, farts (pardon me) and tap dances on the stage.

Based on this finding, I demand that our engineers get better proper support from Sales and HR.

FYI, the R&D team is going on a team outing to London, to see how a civilized people treat one another under pressure. Ramsbottom, please text me the budget code.

Comrade Carl Marks
R&D Chief

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