Thursday, 9 October 2014

2016 Focus of Our Leadership Academy



Leadership

In my 2016 goals, I committed to setting up a Leadership Academy for middle management.
I also committed to 0 costs for consultants, trainers, coaches and other snake oil vendors.

In order to meet these two goals, I launched our new Leadership Academy today! Mais oui! 
The academy's mission statement is: If we meet the bottom line, we'll all be fine.
Our lecturers are our own senior managers, who provide weekly lectures during lunch, in our conference room and piped in by loudspeaker to the toilets as a public service.

Today, the first lecture was given by Comrade Carl Marks, our Chief Nerd.
Attending the lecture were all our middle managers, policed by Cynthia Axe who made sure people were not texting or engaged in subversive activity.Comrade Carl spoke in English with a Russian accent, making the lecture even more challenging to understand. Most middle managers speak little to no English. (I hold these employees' passports for safekeeping). 

One of our middle managers, old Wilhelm de Villiers from South Africa, does speak English, but he was dozing off, dreaming of the velt.

Comrade Carl's lecture focused on:

1) Reinforcing the fact that our present product is a "pearl", despite plunging sales.
2) The Sales force are incompetent twats, yet "I encourage teamwork between the comrades in Sales and Engineering".
3) HR is useless, "although Gloria is a great gal, with great legs. "I am against sexism of most kinds, but boys will be boys". Comrade Carl added that "HR is like a circumcision ceremony-they screw the little guy while fat guests eat more and more, kibinimat".
4) "A union is not a bad thing. Unions take care of proletariat better than the ladies of HR". 
5) Finally Comrade Carl mentioned, "I am not sure we all like to work here, but life is a bitch". Carl stated that "motivation is of the essence."

The audience applauded Comrade Carl and hissed at Cynthia Axe. 
Before he got off the stage, Comrade Carl handed out to all staff a photo of "General Zhukov, the greatest leader in history."
Greatest leader in history

Next week, I am the guest lecturer. I have been told to avoid the term "big data".
Miss Axe





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