Thursday, 13 February 2014

Weird job description

Nerds should manage recruitment

To: Stan, CEO; 
From: Comrade Carl Marks, Chief Nerd

Recruitment is slow, overly administrative and unprofessional. + they have an attitude problem. We can't continue this way. I need Recruitment to "report into" me. Please fix this with Gloria.
Comrade Carl
                    .....                    .....                    .....

To: Gloria (HR)
From: Stan CEO
CC: Comrade Carl Marks

Fix it. Meet with Carl and end this fiasco.
                        .....                         .....                     .....

With Stan having set the context, Comrade Carl Marks, the chief nerd, and I met this morning to discuss recruitment issues.
Carl had some Russian music blasting from his I-phone 5.
I took my earphone out so I could be fully attuned to Comrade Carl's needs. Comrade Carl, it appeared, felt a need to stare at my legs as if he was in heat.

Carl rambled on in an unfocused semi associative manner about the job description. 

Carl explained that "on one hand we have rich feature suite and yet, we need a level of account-savvy system architects who can drive clients' expectations in the right direction whilst driving even more coherency in our feature set towards a robust product."

In Pearson High School (in Moose Jaw) and in the "Académie pour l'administration" (Administration Academy) in Montreal, I did not come in at the top of my class. Yet, my teachers always described me as an "street-smart alley cat". Nevertheless, I did not fully understand the requirements that Comrade Carl Marks was describing.

If my Dad were alive, he would tell me to say: "Carl, what the f--k are you talking about"? But I am in HR now, which is a very dignified role, so I cannot talk like that.

I put on my thinking cap and solved Carl's problem. Here is what I said:

" Carl, can you turn down the foreign music for a second? Merci. My dear Comrade Carl, I think you need a dedicated HR project manager for to recruit this position for you. I will take Hugh White off Diversity until you get what you want. You are my client. I want to please you, Comrade Carl. Hugh will manage your account in my name".

As I finished appeasing Carl, Moshe, Sanjay, Igor and Svetlana burst into the room. Igor and Svetlana were talking in Russian, Sanjay was reading the Joseph George Daily Newspaper, and Moshe was texting on 4 phones.

Carl said, "OK Gloria, whatever. Just don't micromanage him. You do not trust anyone, kibinimat. But let's give it try! Spasiba."

I took out my earphone

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