Tuesday, 4 February 2014

How to get Sales to sell Emerging Technologies

I am a true business partner-mais oui!

For the longest time, the effectiveness of our Sales Department has been almost semi-wow.

We have had 4 Sales Managers quit in the last quarter, and the last Head of Sales hid in the toilet during all management meetings, with his mobile (a Blackberry Z10). Eventually, he passed away in the can. (He had once been an Appreciative Inquiry Coach).

(Stan rejects the idea that Sales' performance is dismal because our next product is still in the definition stage. R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks often states in management meetings "Give me Sales for a month, and "yob-tvouy-mat", we will have more Sales than Apple. No one really knows what yob-tvouy-mat means, except for a few Russians engineers.)

Stan surprised me yesterday when he "demanded" a Change Program for Sales from me and my team, to "bring them up to speed". And he added: "don't give this task to Axe or your White lackey who runs Diversity". Stan also insisted that the program be in place "by Friday".

It took me over 45 minutes to put the change plan for Sales in place, but le voila-here it is. (Le voila is French.)

1) Mission Statement: "We move our ass, but we're never crass".
2) Values: Titillate Stan, avoid Axe, smile to customers, humiliate Comrade Carl Marks due to lack of ability to deliver.
3) Talent Management: Recruit talent when we have budget, give them old Nokia phones, and motivate them using "some" fear and lots of slogans.
4) Retention: Since our Sales team has retention problems, (not urine retention), we will address this issue by ensuring that Cynthia Axe does not recruit new members from her Early Bird Retirement Program from Sales.
5) Diversity:  Our company supports diversity. Our Sales team will all speak perfect English, have white skin, and 30% grey hair. Hugh White (the white heterosexual bizarre boy who runs Diversity) will be "away" when this happens.

Follow me on twitter @GRamsbottom  
Mais oui!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Wellness program for nerds working from home

"Wellness" could have been my middle name. Alas, I have no middle name. But "alas" is such a formidable word. ...

Glo at her best