Saturday, 1 February 2014

SWOT analysis of Talent Management

I am under scrutiny

I received a text from Stan this Saturday morning; Stan sends me all texts simultaneously  via "Whats-app", ``Viber`` and BBM. (Stan has a Blackberry Z30, which he calls a `piece of Canadian crap, Gloria`)

Stan`s text reads: "Prepare a SWOT analysis of Talent Management by 10 am Saturday and text it to me-Stan".

This is not the way I had planned spending Saturday morning, but instead of having my nails done, I "assembled" the following analysis, after I woke up Cynthia Axe (she appeared not to be alone) and Hugh White (who was with his 2 white children and white wife around the kitchen table. Ms White asked Hugh, "What does the bi-ch want on Saturday?")

Here is our analysis:

Strengths:
  • Strong HR team
  • Wow Environment
  • Great leadership from Stan


Weaknesses:
  • Talent is ``not abundant``, except for HR.
  • Our staff is unappreciative and has negative motivation due to poor genetic makeup and poor nutrition in their native lands.
  • No one watches our webinars
  • Many uneducated staff believe talent management is an empty slogan
  • Everyone except HR believes Knowledge Management is a manipulation to fire people
  • Comrade Carl Marks, who heads R&D, is both a prig and a libertine


Opportunities:
Cynthia dropped off the call and Ms White screamed ``The bitc-`or me", so I let him off the call.

Threats:
  • Our engineers do not learn English
  • Stan does not understand con calls.
  • Stan retires and we lose our direction.
  • The World Bank loses trust in us.



Putting me aside, we lack talent.


Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom

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