Sunday, 8 December 2013

Using a socialist and left leaning Robot (trained in Sweden) to enable agile downsizing

Automating HR Business Process, in line with our key values!

I got a short text message from an HR colleague via a vis (that's French) the use of robots to "automate" the key business process of "restructuring". 

I read it whilst driving home from after having my nails done.
I consider all  text messages as Big Data and I always read Big Data related communication immediately because Big Data is hot stuff.

So to get back to the text message itself... it appears that Swedish-trained robots can do the grisly downsizing work presently performed by a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan. I have been told that the  robot (who is a Socialist)  can fire 40 people at the same time, and dispose of their body as needed in a humane fashion.

However, I am not sure this is "in line with our key values".

Given our semi wowish Q4 results and non wowish revenue projections for Q1, we need to fire 40 people a week for the next two months, many of them speak English as a native language. Some of them are even big data nerds!

I am convening a meeting of my HR team to evaluate the adaptation of the "robot-based agile recruitment" to our Early Bird Retirement Plan. Ms Axe (Cynthia) will be present her plans on how to make this socialist robot-based plan more humane and fun, while the Caucasian Head of Diversity  Hugh White will present the ethnic, religious and racial ramifications of the use this agile technology, whatever that means.

To calm ethnic fears, we will probably not be using this agile technology to fire too many non English speaking staff, since this robot-based app uses the English language as default.

All foreigners will be fired either by text in their tribal language or by Skype unless they have signed up for agile "business class" HR service".

Mlle Axe's role was NOT eliminated by a robot.

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