Monday, 9 December 2013

Improving information flow leads to clinical depression

One week to solve 6 problems-no worry

Our  spineless CEO Stan panicked when R&D Chief Comrade Chief Comrade Carl Marks informed him that our next product is still in " a formative stage".  Sadly Stan then asked wifey what to do and she told him, 
"Keep your ear to the ground, Stanley".

Stan subsequently held 8 round-tables in two days. I organized the round tables with HR based staff: 
Hugh White, (the heterosexual White boy who runs Diversity) organized the round tables with our poor-English engineers and  other handicaps, and
Cynthia Axe organized the round tables with the folks who are about to "enlist" in our involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan.

CEO Stan discovered 5 issues, all which WE in HR need to address. These 6 issues are now classified as #bigdata.

1-Talent and skills "need to be developed" in hardware, software and algorithms following the departure of  all 6 key contributors, leaving the department with junior staff  only.

2-All engineers and sales  believe the company leadership is "weak, rudderless and ineffective".

3-Support from IT, HR and Finance is "pathetic".

4-Cynthia Axe has "too much power".

5-Sales suffers from clinical depression, with a suicide rate hitting 60% in the winter.

6-Due to the ethnic composition of our company, 90% of what is communicated in conference calls is "totally incomprehensible".

Stan text me: "Glo, attached are a list of 6 major issues. Fix them in a week, and "leverage" a certain Ms Axe-Stan."

Here is the plan:

1) A motivational speaker will start speaking to our troops in 2 days, in groups of ten.
2) Engineering/R&D have a mission statement and visionary goals within 3 days.
3) IT, HR and Finance will prepare a roadshow named: "A votre service; at your service." In Quebec, the road show will be given in French and English, but will be louder in French.
4) Sales will get a double dose of motivational speakers.
5) English lessons will be beefed up with a tutor from Glasgow, until we find a real English speaker.

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