Saturday, 27 July 2013

KPI's for globalizing our dining hall

Speak English please!

Stan has demanded a "global, uni-lingual English speaking, and highly diverse work force to leverage on differences and bring out the best in all of our employees", ie, those employees who have not been resized by a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan.

"The dining room is the place to mold people into one global, uni-lingual and motivated team", bellowed Stan as he read the very negative talk backs in a local newspaper. (Stan may have forgotten to take his meds today).

"Gloria, come here immediately", texted Stan. Stan then gave me my KPI's for the dining hall.

  • The dining room will be our "melting pot".
  • Ethnic and tribal foods are to be eaten at home.
  • English is to be the only global language of the dining room. 
  • Meals are to be very global. (What the hell does that mean? I wanted to ask Stan; Ms Axe DID ask me and I scolded her.)
  • Prayers before, after, and during meals "make no sense". We are a global firm. Prayers may be "muttered in silence".
  • Vegetarians, special interest groups and members of ethnic groups with unique demands are a very welcome part of our global and sustainable company, and need to abide by our global melting pot guidelines.
  • Mais oui!

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