Proper English Only

Those uni-lingual Americans

Our  company has lots of people who do not speak proper global English: Russians, Chinese, Indians and Scots. After CEO Stan tried to understand a few con-calls,  he demanded we become a unilingual company, speaking "proper English." Proper English is the accent spoken in the USA, in the Mid West.

Why not other accent or tongues?

1-The Scots speak so strangely that they do not even understand one another.
We have one "Scotch", at the switchboard. 

2-The 2 staff we have from New Zealand  switch an E for an I, causing pandemonium. 

3-The Russians used to have an empire, so they think Russian is a global language. It is not. Not a single soul speaks Russian, except the Russians. We have a mere  900 Russians in our company, all in Engineering.

4-The Chinese language is spoken by "a few" people but it is neither global or sustainable. It takes too long to learn, ie, 70 years. CEO Stan is 56 years old. I am 29. 


HR will give a spot bonus to each "foreign" worker who undergoes accent training. (one trillion Zimbabwian dollars)
Each time a foreign worker speaks in a tribal language (not English), 2 trillion Zimbabwean dollars will be deducted.

Cynthia Axe will enforce.