Comrade Carl returns to work immediately after surgery

After a kila repair

As HR business partner, I often wonder around the cubicles, eavesdropping, gossiping and picking up tidbits of minutia in an effort to be ahead of the pack.

This week, I had planned to spend my time wandering around Comrade Carl Marks' Blockchain Department. The comrade underwent surgery on Sunday for a triple inguinal hernia (which he called a "kila") so I thought that this week would be a good time to gather information about Carl's leadership, in the opportune time of his sick leave.

When I entered the physical domain occupied by Comrade Carl's nerds this morning, I was surprised to see them sitting on the floor, surrounding their leader who had come straight from the hospital.

Comrade Carl was gaunt and he certainly was not sitting down, but he appeared clearly in charge. He told his nerds that it took 12 men to strap him down to the operating table, and that he talked on his cellphone giving orders even as he was put to sleep "by a Russian anesthesiologist named Vlad".  

Comrade Carl told his nerds that hernia surgery is "nothing at all" and although he feels a twinge here, there and don't ask where, he is in full command and "I will shoot the first nerd who tries to move into my space. Don't fuck with me".

Comrade Carl told his nerds that "I could have had sex an hour after surgery, but decided not to, because risk assessment is the duty of the commander".

Carl then asked all of his nerds to kiss his ring, and wish him "refuah shlema", a full recovery in some strange tribal ritual. 

"Gloria let's go to a stand-up lunch table", suggested Carl, who walked slower than usual, more like a duck that a person.

Carl said, "I am not a liberal leader, sweet Gloria. My nerds come from 3rd world shitholes where weakness means "here is a chance to take control and ax the leader. All that bullshit HR theory teaches compassion, but there is no compassion, just power. You are either a hammer or a nail, kibinimat."

Carl handed me a $20 bill and said, "lunch on me. I'm going out to run a mile. Lunch is not good for my Gesundheit".

I saw Carl get into a taxi, slowly, and head home.

We need to hire a marketing manager pronto in order to convince our install base and potential clientele to admire our product as it should be, with vision and messianic expectation.

Pilates uber alles

CEO Stan's wife, who all we all call Wifey, invited me out for lunch, in line with her core value of scrutiny. Wifey is a brainy damsel, and if you ask me, she does not really hold Stan in as high esteem as does his management team.

Wifey told me that she just had finished an adult education course on the "legacy of the Obama foreign policy" . 

Wifey explained to me that Obama crafted his policy towards the Middle East as it should be, as opposed to how it actually works. 

Wifey told me that except for Syria, Lebanon, Turkey, Iraq, Libya, Yemen and Saudi Arabia, his value-driven foreign policy paid off, as it were. "He even won the Nobel peace prize. He transcended reality. That was brilliant".

After our dessert of coffee and Danish with 5 scoops of vanilla ice cream, Wifey suggested that I propose some changes to our HR policies factoring in the Obama doctrine, while mitigating the risks. "Perhaps you can convince the nerds to value their salaries and management as they should be".

When I asked Wifey to put more meat on this proposal, she told me that "I shall rely on you, my darling Gloria. You are sharper than a Swiss knife and sweeter than a Hungarian cupcake". Then Wifey left the restaurant and I picked up the tab, which I expensed.

When I got back to the office, I updated Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, and asked how he would go about incorporating Wifey's proposal. 

"Eureka," bellowed Carl and took a shluck from his joint. "HR is useless and can be replaced by a voice automated bot, however, we have herein a great opportunity to milk our investors for more money. We, meaning you Gloria, need to hire a marketing manager  pronto in order to convince our install base and potential clientele to admire our product as it should be, with vision and messianic expectation. Then they will accept the metaphysical essence of our product as it is".

Carl took yet another "shluck" of his joint, and gave me a kiss.  I was running late so I bolted out to my Pilates class. 

There are days when I feel that this job is a bit over my head, but in the positive sense.

Transcending reality with a shluck