Bereavement leave

Bring down the numbers

Our CEO Stan noticed that bereavement leave was up 1.09% over the last decade, information which I provided from my new data mine. I own the mine and Miss Cynthia Axe is the miner. 

Stan observed that "HR must be sure that no one fakes bereavement. Bereavement is not an orgasm, Gloria. It needs to be real. Send me your plan how to police this issue in a timely manner, so as to drive the days lost to bereavement down".

I put on my thinking cap and nothing came to mind. I asked Ms Axe and Hugh White (the white heterosexual boy who manages Diversity) what the current procedures are.

At present, a nerd or clerk is entitled to bereavement leave if he (or she for that matter) gives a 2 weeks advance notice, or provides a picture of the grave or the stiff, signed by a notary and a man of the cloth, as long as he is not a child molester. In case of a legitimate death, we provide a Greyhound bus ticket to the funeral, one way, and a phone charger. The leave itself is 4 days for Canadian and Americans. And five days for other more remote locations.

I reviewed this policy, which seems quite fair. The only change I made is that "only 2 deaths per quarter are permissible, so as not not to make too much of a good thing. Killing the same relative twice is subject to the death penalty."

I smsed Stan about the policy change, and then I called my 140 year old mother, who was feeling down in the mouth with sore knees. She is a ballet teacher.

Compassion is my middle name