How to deal with male employees staring at breasts

Enough is enough

The daughter of preacher Oliver Axe is Ms Cynthia Axe, who happens to be my chief down-sizer. Her formal title is the Head of Early-Bird Retirement Program. 
The aforementioned high strung, Causacian Ms Axe stormed into my office with tears in her eyes. "The AI and big-data  nerds in Comrade Carl's engineering team are looking at my breasts every time I walk by in the halls; this needs to end Gloria. If you don't put an end to it, I will litigate against the company, and you will be out on your ass. I don't have to tolerate this shit any more. This is not Hollywood, and I ain't no starlet who needs to fuck her way to the top." 
Ms Axe tends to be emotional at times.

This subject has been in the news recently. By this subject, I am not referring to Ms Axe's breasts, but rather to the issue of sexual harassment. In the British parliament, the markets of Cairo, the buses of India, Channel 10 and the cubicles of our company, this issue poses a great challenge for the average HR lady.

I am NOT however the average HR lady. I am the first lady of HR. And as such, I marched into Comrade Carl's office and demanded that corrective action be taken pronto,  immediately.

The Comrade agreed, in line with our core value of avoiding litigation at all costs. 
Comrade Carl pick up his megaphone and summoned all nerds into the 'Agile Blockchain Conference Room'.

When all the nerds were all assembled, Comrade Carl invited me to the stage. He said, "Boys, kibinimat, turn off your mobiles and blockchains and listen to me. Our first lady of HR, Miss Gloria, told me that instead of looking at your computer screens, you blokes have been looking at Cynthia Axe's knockers. This is shameful, so I have asked Gloria to address this forum to knock some sense into your stupid God damn heads. But before she talks, I warn you guys, that the next guy I see looking at Axe's front end will be fired."

As Comrade Carl handed me the mike, he whispered in my ear, "now you owe me a favor, Gloria. By the way, Gloria, you have a great set of legs".

Tabernak, what a job.

Against all forms of harassment
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Chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks dressed up as General Fredrich Von Paulus.

Keeping abreast of Ms Axe

Tonight we all celebrated Halloween, in line with our core values of celebrating global American holidays. If you ask me, for a few minutes in time, we all became one big happy family. It was as if we all lived in Denmark.

Ms Axe dressed up as a bar-tender, which was not difficult because that's the way she dresses most days. However, she was more daring than usual. Our CEO Stan was noted keeping abreast of Ms Axe, in line with our core values of keeping abreast.

The head of our Diversity Department, Hugh White, dressed up a senior VP of HR. He spoke with a Canadian accent (noticeable in the words out, house and about) and claimed that his father's name was Pierre Elliot. Hugh's grave error of dressing in such an uppity fashion is ok on Halloween. Tomorrow will be a grim day for white, straight Hugh.

Chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks dressed up as General Fredrich Von Paulus. For heaven sake, why would anyone do that? I learnt that Von Paulus had asked for a visa to enter Stalingrad but was denied entry way back in the Korean War. Or something like that. History was not my forte; HR is my forte. Forte is a French word.

One of our half baked customer service bots dressed up as a centre of knowledge, but failed to develop any compassion with our disgruntled customers.

CEO Stan dressed up as a successful executive whose chief concern is people. I thought that this was grand on his part. From an HR perspective.

I dressed up as a Spanish HR manager. I had supper at 11 pm and slept all afternoon before the party. I granted my team autonomy and then renounced it

Stan's private chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein who cooks cost-effective lasagna and who has mixed ethnicity, dressed up as a Trump supporter with a red hat and fat pork belly. Comrade Carl, who had had too much to drink, lost it for a moment and knocked out two of K-Ray's front teeth. That was non wow.

Lost it

After the party, CEO Stan asked me if I had  'perhaps taken a picture of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe''.  I obliged. Stan called me 'a great business partner'