Thursday, 5 January 2017

How Leading Software Development is like Leading in Iraq and Syria

Looking east for solutions

Today, in line with our core values of pumping free leadership webinars into the thick skulls of our technical leadership, a lecture was sent by Whatsapp advocating "democracy in the work place". The lecturer was a white American who had just returned from a mission to Iraq.

At lunch, as folks listened to the webinar on their mobile devices, Comrade Carl Marks (our chief nerd) stormed into my office, dragging Herr Krebs (our German CFO) with him.

The comrade, never stable to begin with, was as red as a beet. This is an expression by Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used a lot. Here is what the comrade had to say. (He spoke with a Russian accent).

"Gloria, have you ever heard of Gertrude Bell?" When I answered that I had teacher named Miss Lizzy Bell, he corrected me that this was a different Bell.

"Kibinimat Gloria, Gertrude Bell knew how to manage in a tribal environment. She even drew up a plan how to lead in Iraq and Syria. Bell  did not advocate democratic elections. She did not pedal dangerous liberal ideas! Nyet! She understood that you rule via tribal leadership or via brute force. Gloria, you may wish to notice that she was a Brit."

Comrade Carl lit a joint and continued. "Democracy is passe. Gestorban. How can you ask stupid people what needs to be done? You end up listening to the mob, for Christ's sake. Our nerds come from all over the fucking globe and very few them can even spell Democracy. And I promise you that they all want a strong leader who caresses like a Mama and screws them like a Papa".

Herr Krebs, our German CEO laughed and added, "Comrade Carl, ve dont haf zat expression in Deutch".

Comrade Carl stalked out of my room saying, "Gloria, recall that webinar, issue an apology, and grovel, or I will ensure that your useless HR department is run like a democracy, schas po ebalu poluchish, suka, blyad.

When I thought about Ms Axe and Hugh White (the straight white boy who runs Diversity) outvoting me, I got lower back pain and immediately called my chiropractor.

Lower Back Pain

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