Thursday, 12 January 2017

Fear of the gig economy

Classified job descriptions

Herr Krebbs, our German CFO, asked for permission to speak in our management meeting today. Our CEO Stan said, "Mister Herr Krebbs, don't be so formal, just speak up, for Christ sake. And speak clearly-I cannot understand your weird accent".

Herr Krebbs said that "ve don't have enough kontrol at ze product level; I haf my doubts if any of our prrrroducts make any profit. I sink we need more data at ze  indiwidual product level. Ja. I finish".

Comrade Carl our chief nerd  exploded from anger. "Kibinimat Krebbs, do I comment about your fucking team of losers from Accounts Payable in Finance? None of our vendors get paid on time. Go clean your own back yard, yob dvou mat. It's no wonder why we clobbered you at Stalingrad! "

CEO Stan turned to me and said that "the team's behaviour does not reflect our core values of brotherly love, Gloria. Why do I pay you a fat salary as HR manager? Do you want to join the gig economy?" I almost died when I heard the word "gig". I popped a Clonex.

After the meeting CEO Stan called me into his room. Sitting next to Stan at the small but elegant table in his room was Herr Krebbs, our German CFO. Herr Krebbs stood up and shook my hand, although we had seen each other innumerable times during the day. Stan, Herr Krebbs and I chatted for 90 minutes after which Stan issued the following email.

To Gloria and Mister Herr Krebbs
From CEO Stan

Herr Krebbs and Gloria will hire a finance project controller in R&D. This controller will analyse each  project to determine the profit margin.
Comrade Carl need not know about the existence of this role. The new recruit will work from home and will be payed from a slush fund, under the radar of the Ethics Committee. (Gloria, you own that.)
Gloria and her HR ladies promise that Comrade Carl and the new recruit will work in pure harmony. Herr Krebbs' skepticism is noted and dismissed.

Thank you,
CEO Stan
I almost died

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